I Kinda Hope No One Is Reading This

Man, I'm looking forward to writing stuff on this blog again, far more than I did when people were actually reading what I had to say. Too much fucking pressure, that. Stream of consciousness and a good amount of highness is more the style now, and I don't think that's going to appeal to a large crowd, or anyone beyond me. Anyways.

I want to make those ads for the government that are anti-marijuana. I mean, I think they're doing a great job and all... I laugh my ass off at them all the time, anyway. But, I could do it way better, and I wouldn't even have to lie.

The ad would just be me, saying, "Listen kids. Here's the truth. Marijuana is bomb tingleberries. It's the shit. No one has ever died from it. It isn't a gateway drug, except for idiots who were going to try the bad shit anyway. It is safer than alcohol. But, here's the deal. You kids are fucking it up for the rest of us. Religious zealots are holding over us the fact that minors will gain access to an intoxicant. Now, no one gets to have it. So, for the good of our country, fucking wait till your 18. I promise, it'll be worth it. Plus, when you're a minor, you only get shwagg anyway. Wait for the good stuff... pretty fucking please."

Problem solved. Every kid in America holds out. It'll be fucking revolutionary. And this ad will of course set in motion the full legalization, since the truth would be so hard to ignore. Everyone wins. Especially me. Cut me my check now please.

Someday I may write that so it makes sense... but not today.

Anyone ever look at this site anymore?

So, I kinda forgot that this site existed. Holy hell I sure have changed a lot since I wrote most of this bullshit. College. Anyway, I think I'm going to do something with the site again, take it in the general direction of my life. A lot more political ranting. I've been thinking about doing some open mic standup sometime as well, this would be a good place to throw material... as long as you fucks don't steal my gold.

Anyway, I think I'm going to revamp this a bit. If you see this, check back a few times, may be worth your while again. Until then. Peace.

I'm a Fucking Idiot

I forgot to link to Seth's website. If you don't know Seth, you're missing out. For a while, he was the Kramer of my world. Now he's just a cool, semi-nutty guy, and one of my best friends. He's also fucking funny, so check him out, or I'll kick your everloving asses to Toledo.

What to do with the Website

So as most of you are aware, we haven't updated in a long time. As fewer of you are aware, the house that spawned this amazing website has been disbanded. I will be putting up a post on that in a few days, a eulogy of sorts. For now, I'm taking suggestions as to what should be done with this website. I'm thinking of taking it under my wings as my own, but it would probably have to take on a slightly more serious note, slightly less focused on outrageous humur (of course there would still be a liberal amount of that), and geared more towards a dry wit, which is more my style without alcohol involved.

There's also the idea of basing it off my new house, with new posters, along with Wubbs and Danny still contributing, if they feel like it. Or maybe a totally new direction all together. Fuck, I just don't know.

However, I'm looking for good ideas from people. Let me know if there's anything you absolutely want to see. Fuck, let me know if anyone even checks this thing anymore. That may be a big part of my decision.

Get in the Kitchen and I'll Heart Your Vagina

Oh feminists, what would we do with out you? Oh wait I definitely know that I would have a sandwich right now, so bitch get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich and don’t forget the mustard and mayo. Make that light mayo I’m on a diet and bring a glass of milk. Don’t forget the dishes when I’m done. Other than making me a sandwich only one other thing comes to my mind when I think of feminism. Why did the feminist cross the road? Yep, that’s right to suck my dick of course. Just because you have feminine itch and have to have 800 commercials that interrupts every one of my television programs, doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch promoting how much you love your vagina. Don’t worry I can smell it all the way over here. Can you make that a tuna sandwich while you are at it? Well maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, maybe feminism isn’t all bad, or maybe I need to get a button that says “I heart my penis.” I do have my left had down my pants right now admiring my wang, making it much harder to type this post than usual and also why this is posted a week later than planned. Oh and after this post I will probably need that button since no girl will ever want to heart my penis ever again or for the first time. Well seriously girls I kid when I write this, so don’t fret and p.s. get in the damn kitchen and make me that fucking sandwich.

Ramblings From Spring Jam

Spring Jam wasn't all it was cracked up to be, but still a hell of a lot of fun. Unfortunately the weather was not prime, thus grilling outside and beer pong on the street were not to be had. However, caps was played aplenty indoors, and Danny and I discovered once again that one vs. one caps is a horrible idea.

Other things learned: Everclear apparently sucks as a live band now that they don't do drugs. Random dudes coming into your house at three in the morning is always a bad idea, and often lead to the cops being called. A full keg plus not inviting anyone to your house equals waaaaaaaaay too much beer to consume. Slarks can't make it a weekend, much less five weeks, without drinking, even if there is over a thousand dollars riding on it. And finally, I learned that Blarney's can no longer make a decent White Russian, but they still charge over five bucks for each attempt.

Finally, probably the best part of the weekend came on Sunday. I recommend that everyone go out and see this movie. In a hazy state of mind is recommended, but certainly not necessary.


Mos Def, John Malkovich, and dozens of others put up absolutely amazing performances in this movie, which is probably as true to the absurd book as it can be. Definitely worthy of the six bucks I spent on it, and I'll probably be going again. You should all definitely check it out.

On one final note, the house is thinking about having a three man keg race over the weekend. That means, three people to a team, full keg, whoever gets done first is all that is man (or woman, since I think Mal is getting a team together). This is still tentative, but drop a comment if you think you can put together a team that has a prayer of a chance against Old House Ballas (me, Tim, and Wubbs). Also, let us know when a good weekend would be when most people are free. Later all.

Analyze This!

Here's all I can remember of my dream last night. Analyze it in a way that makes me laugh the most, and you get a prize.

Setting: Fancy restaurant, typical blind date scenario. I'm eating crap, the girl across from me is eating hot dogs. Perfect. She's beautiful (and no, it's no one that I know). Oh yeah, and she's actually blind. My dreams take everything too literally.

Her: So yeah, my friend has been having a really hard time since she had to drop out of school after those gorilla bites she got.

Me: Look, are all of your clothes going to magically disappear soon, or do I have to think harder?!

And then I woke up. So, faithful readerrs, tell me what this means. I'm sure it can't be good.

Mailing It In

In an effort to keep the updates coming, I'm here to drop a few links on all your asses. Check it.

Normally, I would never read a LiveJournal. But for Jesus, I'll make an exception.

If you haven't already seen/heard this check it out. Then watch this.

I can't belive it took this long for this to come up.

That's all I've got, but at least its something.