Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Happy Holidays... Unless You Are a K-Mart Shopper

Bullshit. We At K-Mart Hate You

So here I am, home for the holidays. And since I have about a month off, I delved back into my old job, at K-Mart. It actually isn't a bad job, all the bosses like me, I get to be pretty lazy, I have some cute cowokers, and the food at the Little Caesars restaurant doesn't ALWAYS make me vomit. However, there is one aspect to K-Mart that I almost always despise... the customers. Man, that place would totally rule if we never let anyone into the doors. Unfortunately, when I ran that plan by the managers they didn't seem to take me seriously. Instead, I've decided to give you readers (who I assume all shop at some point) some tips on how to be a customer. So, without further ado, I give you...

Shaun's Guide To Not Being A Dick Customer

1. Don't Bitch About Martha Stewart to Me Yes, I am aware that Martha Stewart has a line of shit at K-Mart. Yes, I know she was involved in a stock scandal. Yes, I know she is an uber-bitch and quite possibly a Nazi. However, I don't need to hear some yokel dipshit telling me about her and all of her problems. First of all, I don't give a shit about her, I make my 7 bucks an hour no matter what. Secondly, most of these people have no idea about the real intricacies of the case, though you seem to think you do. Thirdly, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!!!! Oh wait, I said that already... oh well.

2. If You Ask Me If We Have Something, Believe Me OK, seriously here. When you ask me if we have car cd players and I tell you that we don't have car cd players... that should be it. Don't ask me if I'm sure. Don't roll your fucking eyes at me. Don't ask if anyone else would know for sure. All of those things make me want to punch you right in the left testicle (or ovarie for you ladies). If I say we don't have something, we don't. I've been working at this shithole for way too long, I know where everything is. Even if I didn't, I wouldn't just say we didn't have it. That usually leads to getting bitched at when you nose around and find it. Which leads me to number three...

3. Don't ask to speak to my manager So you assholes think that I'm going to shit my pants when you ask to see my manager, like I'm going to break down crying because I was rude to you and now I'm going to pay. First of all, when you think I'm being a dick, think again, because it's you, not me, asshole. On that note, don't ask to talk to my manager... ever. My manager is on my side in all instances other than one in which you are laying there dead with an axe from hardware sticking out of your head. And then my manager is only pissed because I used floor merchandise instead of the perfectly good company axe in the back room. Also, talking to my manager is not going to get me fired. You don't have that power, you fucking tool. We don't care about your opinion. In fact, after you leave, my manager calls you a bitch and we have a good laugh at your expense. So please, don't even bother.

4. Don't harass me about Wal-Mart This is the last and most important rule. When we don't have something when I'm out on the floor, or when you think something is too expensive when I'm at the checkouts, there are five words I never never never never want to hear (well, six words with a hyphen between two of them): "I'll just go to Wal-Mart!" The worst is when people say this all snotty and then give me that look like it's supposed to break my will to live. Newsflash, I make too near minimum wage to really give a flying fuck where you buy your off-brand toilet paper. The fact that you can get your shit cheaper elsewhere makes me happy, it means that maybe you won't pollute my store with your "rapier wit" anymore. I swear, the next person that says that to me is getting a Finding Nemo DVD crammed right up there ass... wrapper and alll.

On that uplifting note, I suppose I should say Merry Christmas. Hope everyone's having a good time. I will be back in Minneapolis around New Years, and hopefully we're throwing a little shindig that will have some good photos to put up. I also have seen the Sex World pictures I promised earlier, and they are hilarious, but they have to be scanned in yet. Oh well, on to...

Links of the Day

Damn it, I swear I heard they were coming somewhere around here, where I could sleep with both of them.

Liz Bender told me that one of her roommates stole her underwear from Victoria's Secret for Christmas. I ran into this story and it reminded me of that, so now it's a link.

This is pretty funny, and it's from The Onion. Least essential CD's of 2003.

Best News EVER!! Alf may be coming back... I love Alf

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Just Call Me Drudge


Well kids, sorry about the severe lack of posts this past week. Wubbs is now done with his finals I think, and is sleeping peacefully at 7 pm, since he pulled the good ole' fashioned all nighter. Myself, I am also just waking up, but because I have to do the all-nighter thing tonight, for two tests and a paper tomorrow. I hate my life.

Anyway, as I woke up an hour or so ago, a buddy of mine sent me a very interesting link that a friend of his wrote. They both claim to be legit, and I believe it since the friend of the friend does indeed speak Japanese, or whatever the hell language that website was written in. Anyway, the story is this, the Super Mario Bros. 3 video was a FAKE!!!!

Gasps from all around, I know. Actually, I have severe doubts that many of you know about the video, or give a flying rip even if you do. This post must be just for all of us losers that pay attention to that sort of thing. Regardless, this link is from a message board where the guy posts his translation of the website which is posted at the end of the amazing video. The website, in horribly translated Japanese, basically states that the player never intended anyone to believe it was a real play-thru and that he " am sorry very much so that the dream of the pure person who considered may be ruined. " Hahahaha!!!

But just thought I'd get this news out to you readers first, cuz I love my readers, and they have to be at the front of all news, even if it is lame like this. Damn it all, Fark put up the link as well, so I'm sure it will be slow for a while. I guess you can take my word for it.

In other news, everyone in the house is done with finals Thursday night, so we're going to have a little celebration. Anyone reading this from the U of M area that we know is welcome to call, so we can all get our party on to kill all those brain cells that we've been trying to work so hard all week.

Other than that, we're just damn boring here. We planned on some excitement, since Marshall was going to get us in the finals edition of our school newspaper, and he took some amazingly hilarious pictures, but it was all for naught since those bastards at the Daily didn't accept the story we had our pictures taken for. Oh well, life goes on.

Speaking of hilarious pictures, Laura, her roommate Tara, and I took some amazing ones at sex world last night. We rode the giant penis, put our mouths and asses near the giant penises, and more. Unfortunately, the pictures were on a disposable camera and it will take them a while to develop and get scanned in, but I promise that you will all get to see them... except maybe the ones with Tara, she seemed not too excited to have evidence of her trip on the giant penis.

Well, until break kids, I think I have to study like crazy, then drink like crazy. Catch you all on South Dakota time... which is the same as Minnesota time... damn.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

We've Hit A Thousand!

Well kids, we've gone and done it. Our tiny little website, which should be of interest to no one, has pushed over the thousand hits mark. Granted, 750 of those hits are most assuredly Wubbs and I checking it over and over and over, but that still leaves a good 250 hits from you fine people. How did this lowly site hit so big. Well, I assume it's because the two of us are so fucking cool. Or it's because we whore ourselves out by putting borderline nude pictures up. Either way, we're sexy bitches. Yes, that's right, and we're even more popular because we're so humble about it.

I suppose we should thank the little people. Well damn it, screw you all. This site takes up a lot of my time, and no one is giving me sloppy blowjobs in return. I blame you for that dear readers, and I expect you to live up to my demands in the future. OK, the dudes can just give me money, but I demand that you ladies get the short end of the stick and... ouch, I just burned myself.

Anywho, that whole last paragraph was a lie. Just me venting from the week before finals. Thanks for reading the site, we have a blast putting it up and we love to hear comments from you. Plus, you all give me a good excuse to not do my homework, which is critical on days like today when I should be pounding the books. Thanks for that, readers.

But on to the weekend, I suppose. Friday night Wubbs didn't want to go out, whining about wanting good grades or some bullshit like that. I told him that his vagina must hurt, and it changed his tune a little bit. Seth stopped by and watched me and Wubbs pound whiskey shots like they ain't no thang, then we all went to a little BYOB social gathering. Since I didn't have any B to BYO, Wubbs helped me out with a few "reebs" (reebs is what we're calling beers now, it's cool, thanks to this kick ass movie. Brad Pitt and David Duchovny in the same murder movie. Could life get any better? I submit that it could not). Thanks Wubbs. Anyway, the party was pretty happening, with flashing females facing this guy happening early on and some people spitting on Wubbs later. Oh, and Wubbs got kicked in the testicles, punched in the chest, and had his pants ripped. It was a blast. All fun must end, however, and I sort of lost the partying mood when I had to help one of the people that lived in the house inside because she was seemingly trying to pass out in the snow. Poor girl. I decided that was my cue to go home with Seth and drive intoxicated. Of course by drive intoxicated I mean kick Seth's ass in this game. While eating three hamburgers... I was hungry.

Saturday night we were responsible adults and stayed home and studied. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK, we stayed home, but not a whole lot of studying was done. First off we helped Wubbs' parents haul in a huge ass pinball table that was a birthday gift to his brother. Wubbs' dad, who I found it is just like the most kickass guy ever, gave us a Playboy CD ROM for our efforts. Hernias never feel so bad when looking at porn. After that we did some Christmas shopping, played more Mario Kart, watched the Kalifornia movie linked above, and basically just screwed around a lot. Even more porn may or may not have been downloaded, we really aren't at liberty to say. Eventually, I did get around to writing a paper, but I think I have to rewrite it since it's pretty bad. My best work just cannot be done on a Saturday night, when I know I should be out having a good time.

Other than that, there's not much new to report here. I will try to post at least once more during finals week. I have been working on an in-depth history of Goldy the Fucking Gopher that proves why we hate him so much. Unfortunately, that's been a lot of work, and I'm not sure if it will be funny or not, but I should have it up by Wednesday or Thursday. Wubbs has an excellent post coming... about his arms. Actually it's really hilarious, be on the watchout for it.

On one final rather sad note, Laura will be leaving us after this semester. Apprarently the good ole' U of M just isn't cutting it for her, so she's returning to the roots of South Dakota. We wish her well, but she will be missed. Did she party with us every weekend? No. Did she drink like a champ when she was here? Rarely. Could I feel good about flirting with my best friends little sister who I knew had a boyfriend? Sadly, I could not. But, Laura still royally kicks ass until there is no more ass to kick, and we'll miss hanging out with her. As a tribute to Laura I will post the pictures of her and me riding the giant penis at Sex World when we go there tomorrow. Until then, all you get is this sexy pic. Laura's the only true female in the picture, you should be able to tell... I hope.

Links of the Day

I was a debater. I did the pen twirl. Thus, this website fascinates me.

I read Wubbs' pick up lines from last post. I loved all of them, and here are a ton more, just for kicks.

Play this game, it rules. Er, unless you are under 18, I've heard rumors that some little sisters read this page. Hmm, wonder who that could be.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you all of the "real men of genious" Bud Light commercials, in mp3 format.

Oh yeah, and we finally caught some old dude in Iraq. Took us long enough, glad we went to war for all the right reasons.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Hot or Not Goldy's Mom Style

Our roommate Mike is in a photography class and he needed to take some photos of girls and guys doing seductive poses. Where did he look to get the guys photos? That's right to Shaun and I. He also used two other roommates. Well the pictures have been developed and I know the fans out there would like to see them, so I am going to give them to you. In return you have to vote in the comment box who is hotter, Shaun or I, and the winner's picture might end up on hot or not. They probably both will end up on hot or not but we want to see who you think is hotter.

Your Website Studs



Monday, December 08, 2003

Guys Lock Your Girlfriends In The Closet Because The Goldys Mom Studs Are P.I.M.P's

To sum the weekend up I will say this: Guys keep your girlfriends away from the studs of this website because they might be leaving with one of us.

The weekend is explained by Shaun's latest post, but I have some things to say.

Shaun made pimping look easy on Friday. The ladies were throwing themselves at Shaun's sexy body from left and right. I never got to see any of the faces of these fine ladies so I can't burn Shaun on his beer goggles, but three ladies in one night is good no matter what.
Shaun does need some dancing lessons. Maybe if his skill were better girls wouldn't be telling him, "I have a boyfriend." Fuck boyfriend, Shaun Blum is mister right now, you drunk slut. Other than watchin Blum getting his groove on and inhaling a pizza nothing special happen on Friday for this guy.

Saturday was a complete blur for me, I blacked out for the whole night pretty much. If anyone reads this site and saw me on Saturday night leave a comment and tell me what I did. I did meet a lady who I guess turned out to be a roommate of Shaun's ex-girlfriend. I have no idea how I met her or what happened. She kept quizzing me on what her name was. Why is it that you have to quiz my drunk ass when I cannot even tell you what my own name was? I finally had her name burned into my brain and the party was getting late and they were kicking us out so I took her back home... well back to my place. No matter what Blum has written or what you think "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Trust me, it was getting somewhat groovy between us but she seemed hesitant. I had reason to believe she had a boyfriend and nothing more was going to happen, so I was like "fuck this" and I passed out. Don't worry I walked her home the next morning because I am a nice guy.

Here is a list of pick up lines that should be used at parties to attract the ladies.

1. I see you have braces, I have braces too, come to butthead.
2. What's up chicks?!
3. Don't listen to him hes got nothin. Baby! (editors note: ok, Shaun's note: This was said by Wubbs to me Sat. night. Apparently, Wubbs thought I was attempting the cock block.)
4. The keg is not the only thing that I will be tapping tonight.
5. Are your boobs real?
6. Did you used to work for UPS because I swear you were checking out my package?
7. Do you wanna fuck or do I have to put a pill in your drink?
8. Call a girl a whore or a slut.(They can't resist that.)
9. If you didn't want to be shocked you shouldn't have been born with a vagina and anus.(Newly added, thanks big shocker)

Hopefully this will help you with the ladies at the next party you attend.

This is about all that happened this weekend, and now it is the week before finals, which means I have to apply all my knowledge for my classes on 4 three hour tests. Should be fun.

Here are some links for you.
My friends created a website where they photoshop homosexual pictures of other friends. Its funny if you know the guys, but they are my friends so they get a link.

Right click and download this street fighter drama its funny shit.

Why We Are Pimps, And Kill Bill

Well kids, the weekend came and went, and neither Wubbs or I remember enough to really post everything about it. Yeah, we're cool like that. I suppose I can pass on the few hlarious bits that I do remember though.

Friday I spent most of the evening judging a debate tournament. That pretty much sucked, since I was supposed to be out at 6, yet I didn't manage to get home till 9:30. Wubbs gave me a look when I walked in the door that meant, you're late, time to get trashed in a hurry. Never one to dissapoint, I capped a couple of random shots, nailed some beer, and rocked some vodka and whiskey mixers. Then we went over to Wubb's buddie's house, who promptly took us out to a party he knew of.

The party started out rather dull, but it picked up quite quickly. We found ourselves some free cups, since we're cheap bastards and continued to kill brain cells at record pace. Wubbs' buddy is a total pimp and quite hilarious, which made us all loosen up even more. Some random girl grabbed me and started grinding me. Unfortunately I have no idea what she looked like since I was hammed and Wubbs told me I looked like a dumb ass dancing anyway. She grabbed my ass and then told me she had a boyfriend, which was one hell of a weird mix of signals. Figuring my beer goggles were on anyway, I decided it was best to leave the situation. It worked out all right, since I got my groove on with no less than two other girls, only one of which I can remember a name... or a face. Wubbs spent most of his time throwing suckers at people across the floor. Yes Wubbs, you are a party animal. It didn't matter though, since the only girl I ended up taking home was Wubbs' sexy ass anyway. All for the best, I figure, since I had to be up at 8 in the morning and was more interested in the Papa Johns pizza we ordered at 3 am than I was in any girl.

Saturday night came and Pat came over to play some in between for pre-partying. Wubbs and I had a couple of Little Penises (insert jokes here assholes) along with a shitload of jello shots. I also drank a bunch of beer and Wubbs pounded a forty way too quickly. Then we were off. Wubbs turned into the ladies man we all know he is by getting a little rambonxious with my ex-girlfriend's roommate. That was a little akward for this guy, so I ended my own night early. Not before I made a girl cry, however. Damn I'm cool. Some rather obese female was following one of our friends around so I decided to help him ditch her. As she weaved like a pro behind us to keep up, I ran into another guy I knew. I "whispered" to him that we were trying to lose this girl. Unfortunately, my whispering is apparently not as quiet as I would like to believe when I'm drunk, and she heard my comment. She screamed, "DO YOU THINK I'M DEAF?!?!" and ran away crying. Always the smooth one I countered, "What? I wasn't talking about you!" But I couldn't help laughing at the situation, which didn't help matters any. I decided it was best to take off.

I ended up running into some other people I knew on the way home, and they took me to another party, but at that point I was a little too cold and getting a little too sober to enjoy the scene any more. I took off from there to go home, make some nachos and watch my less than legal dvd of Kill Bill. Damn that movie just totally fucking rules. If any of you haven't seen it or want to see it in high quality again before the dvd comes out, drop me a message, I may be able to get that iso to you. On a related subject, if any of you are buying me Christmas presents, you should get me this. If you do, I'll have sex with you... male or female... I'm such a whore. But back to Saturday. Wubbs brought home my ex's roommate and it's my contention that they had crazy wild sex all night, but he begs to differ. I'll let him tell his version of the story, or edit this out if he didn't want everyone knowing he brought home a lady. I should probably ask about these things first... oh well.

Other than that, not much is going on. Well, damn I almost forgot. Marshall, from the awesome site Marshall Plan is a photographer for our school newspaper, and is going to get Wubbs' picture in our finals edition. Obviously he plans on wearing a shirt with our website's name plastered all over it. I figure that isn't as cool as a nude photo with our website tatooed on his ass or something, but Wubbs just isn't commited enough to the site for that. What an asshole. Anyway, Wubbs has some hilarious videos to put up in his next post, so ride his ass till he actually does it. Until then, all I have are...

The Links of the Day

If I can find these I'm getting everyone one for Christmas (Yeah, I mean the bobblehead Jesus... no, that's not sacreligious... I hope)

I'm Sure Highlander Will Get Blamed For This... That Show Ruled

This is such total Bullshit.. KazaaLIte is the only file sharing program I'll use... well, besides Bit Torrent.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

What We Do at 5 AM

Due to an unhealthy addiction to a game called NCAA College Football 2004, and another addiction to a little game called Day of Defeat, both Tim and I have managed to screw up our sleep schedules royally. This means that we both sleep till three in the afternoon and stay awake till about five in the morning. So what do we do with these late hours? Why, harass poor innocent women on the internet of course.

Well, maybe not innocent women. There's a little site one of us found in our internet wanderings. It's called www.flirt4free.com. I encourage all of you to check it out. Type in a fake email address of course, and come up with an awesome screen name that would make your mother blush. It's kind of like going to a strip club without having to put your pants on... except it's a shitty strip club that doesn't show you anything until you pay $30 for a private showing. That fact doesn't hinder our fun though, we just enjoy ourselves in different ways.

For example, there's nothing quite as amusing as convincing online prostitutes to go put some socks on because you have a foot fetish and would be willing to pay for a private chat if they had some nice tight, white tube socks. Getting a girl to put on socks, and then telling her that her life is really sad because she did that is good quality fun. So is quoting the bible to guys who are begging a girl to show her tits. Be forewarned, however, that eventually they will boot you. The shemales are especially moderated, we lasted all of seven seconds in there. Time well spent, I would say.

On a totally different note, I have even more convincing evidence that the matrix is about to become real. Here's my theory, in case you missed it. Well, just yesterday I found out about this system our military is setting up. It's moving quicker than I ever thought, and our government is dumb enough to train them to fight. We're all screwed. Vote Shaun, President of Zion in 2010.

Anywho, not much else is going on in our crazy house. Huck's making a huge paper maiche airplane for a class, and if it's cool enough, we'll put pictures on here. I wish I was an art major and could do cool stuff like that. Huck's also going to make us a cool picture of Goldy's Mom on the website, so stay on the lookout for that. Otherwise, the only other cool thing we have is a cool picture of Wubbs features on The Marshall Plan. All right, I'm out like a witty metaphor for being out.

Links of the Day

This is why I worked at K-Mart instead of Wally World

I can't decide if this is trippy or just makes me sick... I think I need to try it under a different state of mind

I haven't decided about Tool, but I think I agree with this guy

Anyone else find the picture on the top of this article hilarious?

Monday, December 01, 2003

Yes Mom, That is Morning Wood

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. I am certainly thankful for having a bunch of days off from school. Otherwise, yeah, that holiday is pretty pointless. I think we should just declare October 31 to January 2 as one giant damn holiday where I don't have to do shit... yeah, that would be great.

Of course I went back to good ole' South Dakota again for the holiday. Not much happened there, except I hung out with a bunch of people I haven't seen in a long time, played a bunch of ping pong, and ate some corned beef. Fuck you turkey. I also had to wake up way too damn early every morning because my mother thinks it's a crime to sleep past ten o'clock in the morning. I finally had to tell her I had morning wood to make her stop harrassing me while I was trying to sleep. I'm not sure if she was really repulsed by that or amused, but she let me sleep longer and that's all I cared about.

I also played a hell of a lot of pinochle. I don't know if any of you have ever played that game, but it fucking rules. There's nothing like trash-talking your grandmother over a card game. Maybe it was all the wine and egg nog with rum that I was drinking, but I got really competitive. Sorry about that grandma, probably shouldn't have thrown that forearm shiver.

Anywho, the last weeks of school here are going to suck pretty hardcore donkey balls. I may or may not make any posts for a while, since I should be studying. Actually, I'll probably post often to avoid homework, so keep checking back. And leave some damn comments, we're starting to think that nobody actually reads this site. Come on, anyone out there?!?!

Links of the Day

A game for all us religious folk... killing Satanic Zombies priest style

I wonder how this game is ever going to work, but I want to try it. A multiplayer online baseball game, email me or Wubbs if you want to get a team going. It's free for now.

I just find this sick, wrong, and hilarious. Careful, not safe for work, or your mother. And pop-ups when you close it.