Thursday, January 29, 2004

I'll Take Therapist for $300 Trebek

Apparently I do not post enough for you eager bastards. Well you know what? It's my fucking website so I am going to post when I want to... except for the fact that I am being forced into this one. I guess I have a rapist wit, and I need to write more, but I am not all about holding girls against their will for sex, unless of course I had four arms, which in turn means I have 4 hands. Imagine all the possibilities one could do with 4 arms, other than of course holding a girl against her will.

What I Would Look Like With 4 Arms

Other Possibilities

1. I could surf the internet for porn and masturbate all while playing some PS2.
2. I could grab a girl's boobies and both cheeks of the ass at the same time.
3. Literally give someone the 4 armed shiver.
4. Quadruple fist...........Leave it to the imagination.
5. Give on hell of a hand job........OH FUCK!! Why did I type that.

I am leaving it up to you die hard readers to come up with some more. My sick brain has run out of ideas. Hey Marsh, leave it to G's Mom to figure out who bizzynitch is. We used our two brains, and now my 4 arms can help beat the shit out of whoever it is. What a fuck face.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Kelis and That 70's Show, A Match Made in Heaven

First, I would just ilke to proclaim this: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they're like, "It's better than yours." Damn right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

Why do I feel the need to proclaim that? Because that damn song has been in my head for fucking ever. I heard it at the beginning of Christmas break, when I still had MTV, and couldn't get this image, nor the song, out of my head.

Well, not quite that image. The one in my head was from the video where she's wearing that damn sexy shirt and leans over...yeah. If I ruled the world (which I'm sure will happen one day) all females who I deem hot would wear that shirt. I don't even think Kelis is hot and I just popped major wood thinking about her. It's all in the shirt. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent here. Speaking of major wood, however, this picture should lead into what I really wanted to talk about.

This post was actually meant to be about That 70's Show. I was sitting with Wubbs watching it the other day, laughing my ass off, and I came to the realization that it is the best show that's been on TV in the past five years, with the possible exception of The Simpsons. The show is absolutely beyond hilarious, week in and week out, with no fall off, even though the show has been on for seven seasons.

That 70's Show has some of the bst lines that I've ever heard from a TV show. What other show can you hear, "I work harder than you, I play harder than you, I drink harder, do more drugs, and have way more sex. I'm exhausted man." Or, "I cant close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Its starting to freak me out!" Honestly, the banter, and the chemistry, between the characters is amazing.

What other show has the badass clothes that they wear on this show? Honestly, I think we have a lot to learn from the clothing of the 70's. If I had a closet full of the clothes worn on that show, I would be a happy man, and I would wear them every day. And women would of course want to have sex with me... even more. Tight fitting bell bottoms are just inherently sexy, it's like a rule... if I'm allowed to make up rules, which of course I am.

Finally, what other show shows a bunch of kids sitting around in a circle smoking pot and saying weird shit? Not only do they have the balls to show that (until I'm pretty sure the network made them take the obvious smoke away), but they do it with excellent realism. Many times have I been able to predict the next line that was going to be said in the circle of people based solely on, shall we say, personal past experience. I'm glad they obviously got some former high school tokers to write for the show.

I don't know, I guess this post didn't really go anywhere, but that's where I'm leaving it. This was my ode to That 70's Show. If you don't like it, or the show, blow me, I don't care. I'll be funny some other time, I promise.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Where to Even Begin

Wow kids, absolutely fan-fucking-wow. This weekend has been a blur, wrapped in an enigma, dipped in a haze, and coated in a nice thick drunken stupor. I'm not sure if it's been at all good or bad, but I'm going to report the parts that I remember, and let you decide.

Friday Night

So this weekend we had kind of resolved to give Rufus, the beer pong table, a few days off because he just screws us over royally whenever we use him. However, Friday evening rolled around and Mike our roommate said he had a couple of friends coming over that wanted to play. A couple of buddies of mine called and said that they were also looking forward to meeting Rufus, so we pretty much had no real choice in the matter. We planned on just having a small gathering of people for some casual playing. Well, that blew up in our faces quite quickly. I only remember snippets of the night, but I know there were at least 20 people here over the course of the evening and everyone was just totally fucking tanked... except Chelesea. I think she likes making fun of us when she's sober and we aren't. It's all right though, because she saved me from near certain death when I kept trying to drink out of my broken beer bottle, which was probably filled with chips of glass. The night got rowdy, Wubbs won four games in a row of beer pong, and nearly everyone puked, except this guy. I won a six dollar bet for not losing my lunch, cuz I'm the fucking man. By far the funniest moment of the night was at McDonalds, however, when this conversation happened when Tim (Marshall's roommate) and I walked in the door and stood at the end of the huge line.

Tim: Hey Shaun, I forget, is this place smoking or non-smoking?

Me: It's non-smoking dude, I can order for you if you want to go out and smoke.

Tim: Nah, that's OK.... there's a lot of people here though, they probably wouldn't care, right?

Me (now nervous, cuz I can already see where this is going): Dude, they'll care. Just go outside, I'll order your McChicken sandwiches.

Tim (putting a smoke in his mouth): Nah, I just think I'm going to do it. What can they do right?

Me: They can kick our drunk, minor asses out of here man... and I'm hungry.

Tim: Eh, oh well. (lights up)

Amazingly, as smoke wafted over dozens of drunk, hungry college kids at two in the morning, no one real seemed to notice, not even the security gaurds. I let him get away with it for quite a while, since I thought it was really fucking hilarious, then finally convinced him to go outside. The best part of this story is that I'm sure Tim won't remember it at all unless he reads this.

Saturday Night

Needless to say, we woke up rather late on Saturday. I took a couple of Tylenol and I was ok, as was Wubbs, but Mike apparently had a wicked hangover. After sitting around and eating for a while, recalling the little we could of the night before, we realized it was hockey night and we didn't have much time to get stuff done so we could get back to drinking and being rowdy before the game. We all did our thing, then busted out our choice of 80 proof liqours. Mal brought some 151 which I took care of with her in short order, which left me in good shape for the game.

The game was totally fucking awesome. We screamed our lungs out, we didn't piss anyone off around us (in fact, I think we're growing on everyone), and we kicked the shit out of the fucking Sioux. Damn, I'm a traitor, giving up on my Dakota roots so quick for Minnesota, but it was just North Dakota anyway, so who gives a shit. Oh and on the way back from the game, Tim and I accidentally gave a cop in a cop car the shocker. Whoops...

Anyway, Ty, Marshall, Danny Noble, Seth and a bunch of other people stopped at our house, ready to go out and party. We ended up hitting up a semi-lame party, that was only made awesome by Wubbs and Noble acting absolutely out of control. I'll let Wubbs tell that story. The only other thing of note was Ty's buddy carrying his liqour around in a suitcase and Seth doing something that I won't mention until he tells me what really happened. And even then I probably won't be able to tell you guys. So ha!

After the party I took a page from Ed's book and made some prank phone calls to QVC and the like. The best was probably the all expenses paid vacation that wouldn't pay for my marijuana and hookers. Honestly, does that sound like all expenses paid at all?!?!?! The guy on the phone did say he wanted to party with me sometime though, haha.

Other than that, the night was uneventful, except for two rather unfortunate things. First, Pat came with Slarks and made me go to McDonalds with them. On the way back he got into a fight in a parking lot, which I just didn't want to deal with because I had to play daddy and break it up. Oh, and I woke up this morning (read, 12:30) and Mike informed me that someone poured ketchup and mayonaisse all over Chelesea's car. If it was anyone I know, you better not tell me, because I'll rip off your testicles. I'm sure it was just some random though, which makes me hate people in general. Oh, and leaving the party late Saturday night and seeing all the couple walking out, reminded me of this...

Sorry, longest post ever, I'm sure. I'll keep them shorter, but I do have some decent material that I thought of for this week, so keep on the lookout.

Links of the Day

Speaking of Hockey, this article is really interesting... the physics of hockey

Britain has some fucked up hero priorities. Michael Jackson number four, Jesus number 123. I'm scared.

Pepsi is saving the kids that got sued by the RIAA... that's hilarious.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Total Randomness...

All right, so changing for the New Year didn't work so hot. I still am a huge fatass, even after the tons of methamphetamines that Marshall suggested I take for weight loss. Now I just really like to stay awake for days at a time. I had to quit that though, sadly, meth is easier to get in Crankton, er, Yankton, than it is in Minneapolis. I'm still totally fucking lazy, and have only been moderately successful in following my new years lifting program.

So, like every semester of college I've ever taken, I've decided to turn over a new leaf with some new classes. I think I'm giong to be more realisitic this time around though. I resolve to go to at least 2/3 of my classes, upping my average by a good third. I resolve to lift at least three times a week, which could theoretically be possible. I also plan on giving up a certain nasty habit that shall remain nameless because I was never addicted in the first place, damn it. Yeah, it's not masturbation fuckstains, keep your heads out of the gutter. I'll never quit that anyway.

However, I'm also going to resolve fun stuff, like updating Goldy's Mom on a more regular basis. I also plan on partying even harder on the weekends than we did last semester, because that's what Wubbs and I do best, beause we just fucking rule.

I guess I already took the first step of improving my life by no longer looking like a damn dirty bum. Yes, that's right, I finally got a haircut. Our roommate Mike is missing his true calling by not just being a hair stylist for the rest of his life. He also gave me these wicked ass shaped sideburns that I won't be able to keep in the cool shape for very long. Damn it all. Anyway, look for pictures of us out partying with me and my sexy hair. And girls, I know it will be tough, but keep your hands off me please... hahahahaha, just kidding, harass me all you want... please.

Otherwise, not much new to report. Wubbs gave you the weekend update in fine fashion. I hate freezing my testicles off every time I go outdoors. And we have Rufus, by far the coolest roommate we've ever had. All of you that live anywhere close must come to play beer pong with us, and sign Rufus with something witty. My addition? "This is the best idea Wubbs and I ever had... that's sad."

Next update will definitely include a hockey game, and we'll all be intoxicated so it'll be a good time. Until then, all I have is...

The Links of the Day

Smack the Penquin, this game rules. 315.5 is my record.

Watch out! The RIAA is still after you. Turn your file sharing off and you're safe.

Wubbs' new dog looks something like this.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

The Powers of Being a Rod

If you attend any parties in the University of Minnesota area you can probably agree with me, when you go to these parties and sit back and get a good smell, you smell one thing. The smell is that of a douche bag and by this I mean rod, fag, or tool. If you do not know what I am talking about you probably are one. You fucker, you cramp on my style. Granted my style is about as good as a pet rock, but at least it's original and I am being myself. Apparently being a rod attracts more chicks than Rico Suave himself, which I do not understand. I start talking to a girl and you turn on your douche bag beacon and the girl comes to you like a insect to a bright light. Shit maybe it's me, maybe I don't have the ability to talk to a girl for more than a minute before she loses interest or Mr. Rod cuts in and thinks his shit doesn't stink. Well buddy I have news for you, stick your head up your ass cause your shit smells. Well I am sorry that my first post in awhile has to be so angry but I had to vent some steam. Some positive notes: A girl said that if she were a guy she would want to be me or Shaun Blum, which I say HELL YEAH too. That's all we need is another Shaun or I running around causing trouble. Anyone who live in the Minneapolis area should come over and meet Rufus, he is such a stud... granted he is a 8 foot by 4 foot piece of plywood but he still has skills. My final point is that girl with corn rows is so insanely hot.

Seth Being Seth On His Birthday

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Comments are Back Up

Unfortunately, we previously went through a shitty, unreliable comment system, so we've lost all of our old comments. Bummer. You guys will of course have to make up for our lost comments by commenting an insane amount from now on. Get on it!!! Now it is my intention to sit and play video games and drink margaritas for the next 8 hours. Cheers!

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

An Anonymous Groupie's Take On The Weekend

All right, I finally made it back to the good ole' U of M. It's good to be back, and of course the first thing I did when I got here was hit a party. Wubbs was stuck on a bus on his way back from Colorado, so I had to expand the group of people I get rowdy with at parties. Marshall called and knew of a little shindig (coincidentally, at the same house where Wubbs had sex with my ex's roommate) that would have a couple of kegs. We also brought a friend along, someone who wishes to remain nameless (though it's painfully obvious to anyone who knows him who it is). He is the one who will recount the evening for all of you, since he's probably the only person that can have more fun at a party than me and Wubbs. And the best part is... he does it sober. There should probably be a lesson for me in there.... nah. Anyway, this is the party, as told by an anonymous groupie.

"So we drank a little beer, and decided to head to a small shindig near the superblock. It's a hike, so Shaun offered to drive, giving up on getting drunk. So, I decided to vodkacise, then we headed out. We arrived and walk in. I didn't buy a cup, so shaun looked at me and said "you're going to be sober by the time we leave." I agreed and took his keys, not wanting to vomit too much anyway. We dicked around for a bit, the three of us talking, greeting the hosts, ect. I tied a piece of yarn left over from the jungle party decorations around my head for a bit. General stupid shit. Eventually, opportunity arose. We were in the smoking room, and some girl was talking to some other, and mentioned the name Emilia. So, as Emilia walks out, I said hello, and dropped her name. She was drunk, so she gave me an extra confused look and asked how I knew her name. "I think we had a class together freshman year." "Really? At 'blahblah' university?" "Yeah!" It went on like that for a bit, then I admited that I didn't actually attend her community college. So, the party went on, and one of emilia's friends let me know that she was extremely freaked out. They confronted me as a group. I said, "what you should really ask, is where is your wallet?" I pulled out my own, and they became even more horrified. Then I let them down. "No, I'm just kidding. This one's mine." They weren't amused at all. More on that later.

Somewhere else, we noticed a dude trying very seriously to get it on with some chick. About once a minute, he'd put his arm around her waist, obviously working on an ass grab. I yelled at him, "Grab the ass!" No response, so I repeat. And again, and again, louder each time. No effect. I whipped out my cell and typed in a text message. My space key didn't work, so it read 'Dude,grab,the,ass'. I held it behind the girls head, trying for the dude's attention. He didn't read it, but she turned around and got the jist if it. I tried to explain, then fled to the other side of the room. As I watched them, I'm certain she was telling him what I did and requesting that he kick my ass for it. So I went outside for things to blow over. Shortly, out came the dude and the chick. I ducked behind the shed, without them noticing. As I greeted several guys as they urinated, I placed a call to Shaun. "Dude, they followed me out here, you have to come save me." He came out, and let me know that the couple had already gone back inside. We then met Nate, and he was just plastered enough to be happy to go on mission for me. I explained the situation to him, and he told me that the girl was probably pissed, but the dude was only pissed because I fucked up his plan by putting it out in the open. I told him to go inside and look for a dude in a black shirt hitting on a girl in a red shirt, and find out if they're pissed off or whatever. He did. He came back and said he found them. Appearantly they were too intoxicated to care about me. Then the dude came out to piss. As he went back in, I said "Hey man. I'm sorry, I fucked it up." "Who the hell are you? What are you talking about?" Well, I was relieved. We went back in, and the hilarity resumed. Eventually, the dude did grab the chick's ass, and she was near ready to slap him.

Emilia and part of her posse were on their way out. I followed, finding them at thier car. I yelled "don't you want to know how I knew your name?" Emilia screamed back "No!" So I went back inside. I found one of her remaining friends, and told her to let her know that I had simply overheard her name. Afterall, I didn't want her having any nightmares or anything. She told me they had already figured that out. I said I knew they did. And, having overheard this girl's name as well, I said "Thanks, Jamie." She didn't like that too much.

Not much happened after that. Some dude told me that he really wanted to smoke weed, but that his supply was at his house. I told him I was sober and had a car. He couldn't resist. So we were off. After he took the first hit in his basement room, he held it out for me. I let him know I didn't smoke. "What the hell!? I thought you wanted to smoke!" "No, I just brought you." He was confused, but finished his bowl, and I brought him back. As I arrived Shaun was ready to leave, so we did. He tried his hardest to puke on the way to McDonalds, but didn't. We got the food and were back at point number one. Good night."

So I'm sure most of you will figure out who that guy is, but don't ruin the secret by posting in the comments. Oh, that's right, our comment system is down right now. We're waiting out the guy who provides it, he got shut down. If it takes too long for him to get back up, we'll switch systems. Until then, if you have anything cool to write to us, send it to us at our email account ( or add us to your MSN/AIM lists. All right, I'm out. Oh wait, for some reason I think this picture is hilarious...

Friday, January 09, 2004

I'm A Huge Fatass

At this rate, this is me in ten years. I'm the one with the big boobs...sigh

So at our house in Minneapolis, we don't have a scale. I guess as a bunch of guys we aren't really concerned about our weight. Personally, I haven't weighed myself in like three years. Well, I damn well should have. I noticed that in my mother's house we have a scale, so I decided to hop on it to see what I actually weigh. I discovered that I am officially a fatass.

Now, this isn't like when girls weigh themselves and have gained like two pounds and call themselves fat. That's just whiny girl shit. This is serious. I am like tub-of-lard fat at this point. This is, damn, how'd no one bother to tell me I look like Shamu, fat. This is "no girl will ever have sex with me because 'the bigger the cushion the harder the pushin' isn't true" fat. I'd like to believe it's all muscle gain, but then I calculate the time I've spent lifting in ratio to the time I've spent drinking beer, playing video games, and all around just sitting on my fat ass, and I know it's bullshit. I've gained my frosh 15, my soph 60, and my junior ton, all without realizing it.

So I decided I may actually have to make a New Years Resolution. Yes, I know I'm ten days late, shut the hell up. It's close enough to New Years to resolve to not be such a huge fatass.

This will be tough for me. I'm usually pretty against resolutions because, well, for fuck's sake, I'm perfect the way I am. I usually resolve to not do crack cocaine this year, and I always manage to keep my resolution. I'm cool like that. However, this year I may have found a true slight flaw in myself, so I must vanquish it like the freakish disorder it is.

So, to the gym I will be all semester. I won't be cutting out alcohol of course, you people wouldn't get all of this interesting material if I wasn't a drinker. I'm thinking about starting the weed again, those stoner guys are all pretty skinny. But then I remember the huge amounts of food I ate when I had the munchies, and I kill that idea too. So, any suggestions on the quickest way to lose my fat ass?... preferably with as little work involved as possible.

On a totally unrelated note, Goldy's Mom is FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!!! Check this shit out. And this shit. That's right, those are like major websites linking to yours truly. Apparently, making fun of KMart is the key to the masses. Props to nylon prince for finding those links for us and letting us know why our hits have gone up like 2000 in no time at all. But enough of the gloating, on to the...

Links of the Day

This is something I want to do, someone teach me how

I wish girls in my middle school would have done this

This will be me someday, I'm sure, pissing off the judges

This article is hilarious, claims Kill Bill is all symbolism for Russia as a country. Best of all, it's in broken english, which gives me the chance to finally use this picture...

English mother fucker! Do you Speak it?!?!

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Just A Little Rambling

All right kids, sorry we haven't posted too much lately. Quite frankly, I'm just too damn boring in Yankton, South Dakota. I work, eat, hang out in the dungeon (AKA Ben's house), and sleep. Rinse and repeat my friends. I guess there has been a little excitement, but nothing I care to share with all you assholes... especially since I have found that there's a whole new reading pool. Yes Karen, I don't know how you and the K-Mart clan found this little website, but that's probably bad news all around. Don't let any of the managers know what I do on the weekends. You'll ruin any chance I have for a decent recommendation.

On a lighter note, searching on Google for Wubbs gives you this. That's right, we're number three. Wubbs, you fucking rule. How about I write Wubbs one more time to get us to number two.... Wubbs. Ok, that's good... WUBBS! Sadly, I found that I'm not even the Shaun Blum that ranks number one for "shaun blum." Fucking asshole from Peoria. I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in the face. Tim Sydejko and Josh Wubbena come up with jack shit. Hahahahahaha.

Let's see, what else? Well, cordial cherries fucking rule... as does egg nog. Shit, I'm going to be a huge fatass when I get back to Minneapolis. I also found some Premium Grain Belt in a can, and drank some on New Years. I had heard of Grain Belt in a can... but it was all lore to me until I actually saw it. I wanted to save the cans, but I pretty much passed out before I could really think about it.

Other than that, I'm boring as hell. I should be back in Minneapolis between the 8th and 12th, depending on some factors that happen here. I'm sure I'll have much more interesting things to write then. Or at least Wubbs and I will get naked, drunk, and do stupid shit. Ah yes, I know what you all actually read for.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Welcome to 2004

Of all the ways to ring in the new year mine was probably the best. The countdown from the party began: 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year and what was I doing that's right taking a piss. I can't believe Shaun Blum missed all of this staying South Dakota where ringing in the New Years has to be as fun as ringing in the New Years in North Dakota. That sums up my new years and on another note champagne gets me all fucked up. Well for Christmas I got a digital camera that means the Blummiester and I will be taking more pictures of our interesting lives, mostly naked pics or Blum and yours truly.

Here Is The First Pic