Tuesday, January 13, 2004

An Anonymous Groupie's Take On The Weekend

All right, I finally made it back to the good ole' U of M. It's good to be back, and of course the first thing I did when I got here was hit a party. Wubbs was stuck on a bus on his way back from Colorado, so I had to expand the group of people I get rowdy with at parties. Marshall called and knew of a little shindig (coincidentally, at the same house where Wubbs had sex with my ex's roommate) that would have a couple of kegs. We also brought a friend along, someone who wishes to remain nameless (though it's painfully obvious to anyone who knows him who it is). He is the one who will recount the evening for all of you, since he's probably the only person that can have more fun at a party than me and Wubbs. And the best part is... he does it sober. There should probably be a lesson for me in there.... nah. Anyway, this is the party, as told by an anonymous groupie.

"So we drank a little beer, and decided to head to a small shindig near the superblock. It's a hike, so Shaun offered to drive, giving up on getting drunk. So, I decided to vodkacise, then we headed out. We arrived and walk in. I didn't buy a cup, so shaun looked at me and said "you're going to be sober by the time we leave." I agreed and took his keys, not wanting to vomit too much anyway. We dicked around for a bit, the three of us talking, greeting the hosts, ect. I tied a piece of yarn left over from the jungle party decorations around my head for a bit. General stupid shit. Eventually, opportunity arose. We were in the smoking room, and some girl was talking to some other, and mentioned the name Emilia. So, as Emilia walks out, I said hello, and dropped her name. She was drunk, so she gave me an extra confused look and asked how I knew her name. "I think we had a class together freshman year." "Really? At 'blahblah' university?" "Yeah!" It went on like that for a bit, then I admited that I didn't actually attend her community college. So, the party went on, and one of emilia's friends let me know that she was extremely freaked out. They confronted me as a group. I said, "what you should really ask, is where is your wallet?" I pulled out my own, and they became even more horrified. Then I let them down. "No, I'm just kidding. This one's mine." They weren't amused at all. More on that later.

Somewhere else, we noticed a dude trying very seriously to get it on with some chick. About once a minute, he'd put his arm around her waist, obviously working on an ass grab. I yelled at him, "Grab the ass!" No response, so I repeat. And again, and again, louder each time. No effect. I whipped out my cell and typed in a text message. My space key didn't work, so it read 'Dude,grab,the,ass'. I held it behind the girls head, trying for the dude's attention. He didn't read it, but she turned around and got the jist if it. I tried to explain, then fled to the other side of the room. As I watched them, I'm certain she was telling him what I did and requesting that he kick my ass for it. So I went outside for things to blow over. Shortly, out came the dude and the chick. I ducked behind the shed, without them noticing. As I greeted several guys as they urinated, I placed a call to Shaun. "Dude, they followed me out here, you have to come save me." He came out, and let me know that the couple had already gone back inside. We then met Nate, and he was just plastered enough to be happy to go on mission for me. I explained the situation to him, and he told me that the girl was probably pissed, but the dude was only pissed because I fucked up his plan by putting it out in the open. I told him to go inside and look for a dude in a black shirt hitting on a girl in a red shirt, and find out if they're pissed off or whatever. He did. He came back and said he found them. Appearantly they were too intoxicated to care about me. Then the dude came out to piss. As he went back in, I said "Hey man. I'm sorry, I fucked it up." "Who the hell are you? What are you talking about?" Well, I was relieved. We went back in, and the hilarity resumed. Eventually, the dude did grab the chick's ass, and she was near ready to slap him.

Emilia and part of her posse were on their way out. I followed, finding them at thier car. I yelled "don't you want to know how I knew your name?" Emilia screamed back "No!" So I went back inside. I found one of her remaining friends, and told her to let her know that I had simply overheard her name. Afterall, I didn't want her having any nightmares or anything. She told me they had already figured that out. I said I knew they did. And, having overheard this girl's name as well, I said "Thanks, Jamie." She didn't like that too much.

Not much happened after that. Some dude told me that he really wanted to smoke weed, but that his supply was at his house. I told him I was sober and had a car. He couldn't resist. So we were off. After he took the first hit in his basement room, he held it out for me. I let him know I didn't smoke. "What the hell!? I thought you wanted to smoke!" "No, I just brought you." He was confused, but finished his bowl, and I brought him back. As I arrived Shaun was ready to leave, so we did. He tried his hardest to puke on the way to McDonalds, but didn't. We got the food and were back at point number one. Good night."

So I'm sure most of you will figure out who that guy is, but don't ruin the secret by posting in the comments. Oh, that's right, our comment system is down right now. We're waiting out the guy who provides it, he got shut down. If it takes too long for him to get back up, we'll switch systems. Until then, if you have anything cool to write to us, send it to us at our email account (goldysmomwebsite@hotmail.com) or add us to your MSN/AIM lists. All right, I'm out. Oh wait, for some reason I think this picture is hilarious...


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