Friday, January 09, 2004

I'm A Huge Fatass


At this rate, this is me in ten years. I'm the one with the big boobs...sigh


So at our house in Minneapolis, we don't have a scale. I guess as a bunch of guys we aren't really concerned about our weight. Personally, I haven't weighed myself in like three years. Well, I damn well should have. I noticed that in my mother's house we have a scale, so I decided to hop on it to see what I actually weigh. I discovered that I am officially a fatass.

Now, this isn't like when girls weigh themselves and have gained like two pounds and call themselves fat. That's just whiny girl shit. This is serious. I am like tub-of-lard fat at this point. This is, damn, how'd no one bother to tell me I look like Shamu, fat. This is "no girl will ever have sex with me because 'the bigger the cushion the harder the pushin' isn't true" fat. I'd like to believe it's all muscle gain, but then I calculate the time I've spent lifting in ratio to the time I've spent drinking beer, playing video games, and all around just sitting on my fat ass, and I know it's bullshit. I've gained my frosh 15, my soph 60, and my junior ton, all without realizing it.

So I decided I may actually have to make a New Years Resolution. Yes, I know I'm ten days late, shut the hell up. It's close enough to New Years to resolve to not be such a huge fatass.

This will be tough for me. I'm usually pretty against resolutions because, well, for fuck's sake, I'm perfect the way I am. I usually resolve to not do crack cocaine this year, and I always manage to keep my resolution. I'm cool like that. However, this year I may have found a true slight flaw in myself, so I must vanquish it like the freakish disorder it is.

So, to the gym I will be all semester. I won't be cutting out alcohol of course, you people wouldn't get all of this interesting material if I wasn't a drinker. I'm thinking about starting the weed again, those stoner guys are all pretty skinny. But then I remember the huge amounts of food I ate when I had the munchies, and I kill that idea too. So, any suggestions on the quickest way to lose my fat ass?... preferably with as little work involved as possible.

On a totally unrelated note, Goldy's Mom is FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!!! Check this shit out. And this shit. That's right, those are like major websites linking to yours truly. Apparently, making fun of KMart is the key to the masses. Props to nylon prince for finding those links for us and letting us know why our hits have gone up like 2000 in no time at all. But enough of the gloating, on to the...

Links of the Day


This is something I want to do, someone teach me how

I wish girls in my middle school would have done this

This will be me someday, I'm sure, pissing off the judges

This article is hilarious, claims Kill Bill is all symbolism for Russia as a country. Best of all, it's in broken english, which gives me the chance to finally use this picture...


English mother fucker! Do you Speak it?!?!


0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home