Friday, February 20, 2004

Our Own Quiznos Coupons

So I'm sure by now you have all seen the new Quiznos commercials with the creepy rat things. Anyway, those singing balls of fur claim that any coupon works for $1 off a Quiznos sub. That got Wubbs and me to thinking, something we rarely do. Finally, Wubbs came up with the excellent idea of making our own Goldy's Mom coupons. With some mad Photoshopping skills I brought that idea to fruition, and I now present to you... the most disturbing coupons you will ever see.







We encourage all of you to print out any of these coupons and take them to Quiznos. Don't let them just stick the coupon in the tray like all the others... no, you must make them look at it first, make sure they know what coupon they are accepting.

We also encourage unique submissions for different coupons. Either send ideas or actual coupons to our email (goldysmomwebsite@hotmail.com) and if they are good enough, they may make the front page.

And this is all that you will hear out of me for a while. I'm going back to good ole' South Dakota for the weekend, to judge some debate and steal some food from my mother. Until I get back, peace out bitches!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

I would like to ask you to cease and assist me in writing posts

Zeke's birthday party was last weekend. It was a small get together until a ton of randoms showed up at the party, which means more money for my friends and more fun for me. I had my digital camera in hand and a couple in the corner were getting it on, so instead of leaving them alone like we should have we took a few pics of them. Let me tell you taking pictures did not prevent them from getting it on in the basement and upstairs. I love the powers of alcohol. Well this is not much of a post because I cannot write about a certain "video" because Shaun got us into some legal trouble. So I will leave you some pictures from the weekend and hopefully will get the pics of my friend's car that we buried in 10 feet of snow.

Comments

I'd like to take a moment to address our comment system. If you've been around Goldy's Mom for a while, you've probably left a comment or two. And you've probably noticed that the comment has always stayed there (barring a few technical difficulties that were always fixed quickly). Wubbs and I have never actually come out and said it, but we are pretty against censorship, especially on our site. We want you to say whatever you want.

However, what we do appreciate is putting a name to the comment. Nothing cheeses us more than the anonymous posts. These people seem too scared to stand by their opinion, or they are just immature and want to post random crap for a while. And that's ok too, we suppose. But many a time we've actually figured out who the random poster is, based on ip sniffing and stuff. I think we may start forcing names on faces, if the problem gets any worse than it has in the past. Granted, typing this will probably draw the lamers out even more for a while. I accept that.

There may be a few other points when comments are moderated. Blatantly illegal stuff will be edited out (ie. direct links to copyrighted material). I will edit this stuff simply because I have already had to deal with threats of lawsuits when I did nothing illegal. It's a pretty big headache, and annoying, and I really don't want to have to deal with it if someone actually has a case against me. Thus, that will be the only time any of your comments get nuked. But I trust you guys, anyway, you are a good group, I don't expect it to be a problem.

Yeah, the whole lawsuit threat thing kind of sucks, even though we really have nothing to worry about. Still, that doesn't mean we aren't going to make fun of and laugh at the situation, just as we do about anything. But, we may want to give it a day or two first...

Monday, February 16, 2004

No More Alcohol


This is the root of all evil.


So Saturday night I discovered a new alcohol. It's called 99 Bananas, and it tastes deceptively like a wussy chick drink. Don't let that fool you kids, because as my abdomen tried to thrust out of my throat at 3 am, I was pretty accepting of the fact that I was going to die on my bedroom floor. Luckily I made it through and woke up to a raging hangover and an epiphany: My life would probably be better if I cut out alcohol.

That realization made me think for a while. I understand it would be beneficial, but I'm just not sure I could cut out my weekendly mind-fuck. I couldn't handle being grounded in reality all the time. So I figured maybe I would have to hit the drug scene again.

I have no problem telling you that I'm no stranger to other mind-altering substances besides alcohol. I've smoked a fair bit of the ganja in my day. I've also done other things, of which I will not mention. Let's just say that one night I thought that I had a fucking half hour conversation with the damn Munchkins that I was watching in the Pink Floyd Wizard of Oz mix. That was cool, but later in the night I thought that my roommate was chasing me around the house with a butcher knife. I don't like drugs that take over my brain like that. The only positive time I've ever had with it is the night that I rode a bus and the large elderly woman behind me said all of my thoughts out loud. I fucking swear, every thought I had, she said it right for everyone to hear. That was surreal, and pretty fucking cool. Still, I don't think real hallucinogens are for me.

So if I cut alcohol out, I'd have to go back to pot. Now, don't get me wrong, I really have no problem with the marijuana. It gets you messed up and there's no hangover the next day. In fact, sometimes you wake up still high, which is pretty cool in and of itself. I personally think the stuff should be legalized, or alcohol made illegal. Pot is a way safer drug than alcohol is. No possible chance of overdose, no horrible puking. And when you are high, you don't want to go out and cause trouble like most people do when they are drunk. Well, maybe that's just Wubbs and me. No, you just want to sit and stare at shit at your house. I guess there's that off chance of psychosis, but no one gets that, right? That's an inside joke kids, just deal with it.

But then I remember how I got the last time I smoked a lot of weed. I think I'm lazy now, but the weed sucked the motivation out of me like a two dollar hooker. Because the hooker sucks too... eh, never mind. I also remember that I hate stoners, and I'd probably hang out with them again if I started smoking. No, don't get offended, most of you aren't my definition of stoners. Stoners are the guys who only talk about drugs. Their life revolves around it. They watch drug movies, they listen to drug music, they only have conversations about drugs, and they sure as hell do a lot of drugs. I hated those guys, they were just trying too damn hard.

So, maybe my epiphany was wrong all along. In fact, as I see it, I have no choice but to drink every weekend... it's really my destiny. And where would you readers be without me and Wubbs getting faced every weekend? We sure as hell wouldn't have as many funny stories to tell... or pictures like this to show you.



I wasn't even at this event, but I still think it's fucking hilarious. Juvenile for sure, but hilarious. Yes, those are testicles on the face of that passed out guy. That's Craig, I used to work with him. And that is an example of why alcohol must stay in my life.

No, the beer must flow like, well, beer for me. I just wouldn't be as cool/sexy/funny/social without it. Or at least that's what my buddies Jack Daniels and Capt. Morgan say.

Links of the Day


Well, for you guys that are still drug users, I applaud you. You get to have way more fun with these websites than I have with them any more. First, there is this mind-fuck. That site is made for like little kids, but I think it was made as a secret stoner haven. Have fun.

Then there is this little trip. I've posted it before, but I still stare at it often, so there you go.

And because I'm sticking with the alcohol, you should too. Here's some stuff that makes alcohol even more fun.

And this link doesn't fit in at all, but Wubs and I were fucking around with ask jeeves, and when you ask how to masturbate, this hilarious site came up. It's even more funny when you think it's real for a while.


Saturday, February 14, 2004

V-Day can suck my asshole



That is quite possibly the crudest title I've ever given a post, and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Maybe it's because I woke up at 8 this morning, even though I feel like I should sleep for another 12 hours, or the fact that my body seems enveloped in a womb of stale beer smell, but I just have a feeling that today is not going to be my favorite day of the year. I usually have that feeling about Valentine's Day though, whether I am single or taken.

I was initially planning an elaborate, long drawn out post about how I hate Valentine's Day, but then I realized that fucking everyone already beat me to it. So instead of writing the same old shit, I'll just link to theirs.

Something Awful may be my favorite of the day, with such deep insight as "it's not rape if you are on a date" and "she only loves you for your diamonds." I think they also invented a legitimate group in MATTOC (Men Against the Tyranny of Condoms). Unite men!

Gorilla Mask gives you ladies the insight of what a guy is thinking when he buys you a gift... which I gaurantee isn't much. My personal favorite is a pet, which apparently means, “Ummm… here’s something new to cuddle with while I’m trying to fucking sleep.”

And if you are alone tonight, may I suggest Boobdex? Only the highest of quality porn for these guys, and they have such witty titles to their files, such as, "Cute typical varicose vein showing redhead teen slut muffin" Ah yes, the slut muffin.

Just remember guys, it's not all bad being single. At any point that you feel lonely tonight, do as I do. First, go get wasted. That's pretty much always step one. Then, reach around to your ass, grab your wallet, and crack that baby open. See that? That's right, there's probably some money in there. That money is yours tonight, do with it as you will. That's power that those other guys don't have tonight, power to not be spending it on shit like flowers that wilt in four hours or she'll never wear anyway. Of course, they'll probably be getting laid tonight, but hell, that's what hand lotion and hookers are for. Fuck, I'm a horrible person. Oh well, on to...

The Links of the Day


To stick along the same lines, here are BitterSweets, Valentines Day candy for "the rest of us." Honestly, the first paragraph of this site is probably the most depressing thing I've ever read, but most of the candies are humorous.

I've posted this before, but it seems fitting today, so here you go. I recommend using at least four of those lines on girls that are on dates tonight. That should make for a good time.

Thank God I am single, because I know any girl I dated would want something like this. That's right, a 10 Billion Trillion Trillion-Carat Diamond in space. Thank you science, for once again making any gift I get a girl look like shit in comparison.

On a totally unrelated note, there's this. Eminem wants to buy Neverland Ranch from Michael Jackson. Holy shit, that's fucked up. Think about it kids, that's a white man that wants to be black buying a house from a black man that wants to be white. If this deal goes through, the universe may collapse in on itself.

And finally, this girl auctioned off her virginity. And someone paid a good price for it. I wonder what I would have gotten... probably not the eight grand she was offered.

Friday, February 13, 2004

This post never existed

Due to possible legal hassles, we must take down this post, because it was too damn cool. Had to happen sooner or later, I imagine.

Removing this post in no way admits to guilt any possible legal charges. This post was completely innocent of any criminal charges. I just don't want the headaches.

Instead, I'll just post this picture.



That's what I thought about drunken mortal kombat last year. The message of that picture still holds true today.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Bad Day

All right, so sometimes I let all my homework pile up, I forget to write to people I should, I realize I have like 900 other things to do, and a bunch of other shit happens to basically fuck up my day. I think it's going to be a bad one, but I never let that bring me down. Instead, I calmly sit at my computer, I open my pictures file, and find this...



Sort of brings me into perspective. Anyway, I'd write a real post, I have a few outlined already, but I'm actually having one of those days where I'm just too damn busy. You'll get more after the weekend, I'm sure.

Oh, but before I go, this is just damn hilarious. Barbie and Ken are getting a divorce. Probably because Barbie is a damn slut. Or she was whenever I had to play with her at my cousin's house who had no better toys.

Oh shit, I almost forgot. This is awesome! New, even better penguin game.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Sam Fucking Rules



This is Sam. Sam is my hero. He is quite possibly the coolest little kid I have ever met. He is 12 years old, in sixth grade, and if he ever came to a party with me I would be honored. I would even buy him a cup... well, maybe not, we may have corrupted him enough. I did offer to get him one at the hockey game though. His cousin refused for him.

Sam has season hockey tickets with his cousin. His cousin knows baton girl from the football games. She also rules, even though she wouldn't let Sam wear the shocker finger. It's all right though, because Sam did tons of other awesome stuff, like scream that the goalie sucks, and said the cheerleaders were hot, and punched Goldy in the head. That's right, Goldy crowd surfed up to us, and Sam punched him in the head. Three times. How cool is this kid? By the way, Wubbs refused to carry Goldy and we dropped him in our row. Wubbs got sieved, but it was so worth it. Goldy did nearly redeem himself in my eyes, however, because I got him to do the shocker. Granted, he did it covertly, but he did indeed do it.

Sam plays hockey, and we want to go to his games. We fear we may get kicked out though, as we would obviously be intoxicated. Anyway, this is our tribute to Sam.

Oh, yeah, and there was a hockey game. We kicked some ass. It was awesome, we damn near killed their goalie in the last five minutes. And Nick Jet came with us, which is always a good time. We also came up with some damn hilarious things to scream onto the ice. My personal best was, "You can't spell Sedevie (the goalie's name) without sieve!" Quality.

I'd explain the rest of the weekend, but "strip and go naked" pretty much wiped my memory of Friday night. Except the girls making out. ANd the one girl who took off my hat and told me I was hot. But I don't remember where what she looked like, her name, etc. I gotta quit drinking so much. Saturday we actually didn't drink, which was impressive. We just hung out with some buddies, watched the Stanford shot like 300 times, and I actually did a little homework. Very little. And with that, I got nothing else.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Pictures of My Penis

Whoa, so those of you who are still reading, I applaud you. For those ladies still reading, ask me for my phone number later, you're obviously interested. Anyway, here is the first picture of my penis.



Well, that's a bad angle, it makes it look a little smaller than it really is. Okay, as some of you can guess, or already knew if you are a long time reader, I took a little trip to Sex World a while back. I went with Laura, one of the coolest girls ever, and her roommate Tara, also very cool. Laura and I are very close, as you can see...



And here's a picture of Tara, just so you all know she was getting in on the fun...



And this one is just hilarious....



Anyway, man, that store has everything. There was an eight foot inflatable penis boxing thing that I really wanted, but it was too much. It would have been awesome for parties. If someone ever buys one of those and brings it to a party I'm at, I'll buy them a cup... and a cup for the penis. And then I would marry them.

So with that, I think I've embarassed myself enough. Plus I just got my 3D card installed on my computer, so I have important stuff to do. Like right now, it is my intention to sit and play video games for the next 8 hours. First though...

Links of the Day


Jack Nicholson is my hero... Look at the quote about halfway down.

The irony here is insane... and it's just creepy.

And for all you hornballs all over the Janet stuff, GorillaMask is there... Watch out, he's paying for the bandwidth with popups.

Monday, February 02, 2004

I Can't Think of Clever Titles...

Well, another weekend has come and gone, and a lot of crazy shit happened. To sum it up in short, I have a bruise the shape of Texas, I punched a kid in the face, my computer sucks ass, and the Gophers won. Oh, and super dodgeball on the NES rules. All right, that's all I got, next post will be longer.... well, maybe I'll explain a little more.

Friday night started out on the right foot, with a hardcore game of P&A. Wubbs and I picked up his friend Eric, and Eric's friend Amy. The two were apparently not frequent card players, since we had to explain the game to them, but they picked it up quickly. On a side note, Amy fucking rules at "fuck the dealer." She also helped me to cheat by looking at Eric's cards when he had the deck. And she always remembered where I left my hat, and my liqour. Damn it, Amy just ruled all around.

After we got good and tipped at the house, we made our way out to a real party, just a little ways away from our house. I didn't see Wubbs at the party at all, which is weird because we're usually causing trouble together. We both had different things going, I guess. The party was a good time, except at the point where I may or may not have been just slightly too intoxicated and fell down some of the stairs. It was a really weird experience, because it felt very slow-motion and everyone seemed to be watching me. The next morning I woke up and found that I had a bruise on my hip in the exact same damn shape as Texas. I swear, I could have pointed out to you South Padre Island, where I went on spring break frosh year.

Eric passed out that night, and he was the one that aroused me the next morning. No, not like that you pervs. He woke me up to tell me that I punched him in the face the night before. His face was swollen up on one side, and we had to ice him down. He wasn't mad, because he explained how it happened. It was about halfway through the party...

Eric: Hey Shaun, how are ya (light slap in my face)

Me: Not bad Eric (slightly harder slap in his face). How are you?

Eric: Good (Pretty hard slap). What you been up to over here?

Me: Not much (punch in the face).

Eric: Um, all right, see you later.

So apparently it was an instigated punch, somewhat, and I didn't mean to do it. I still feel like a royal asshole though. I'm still pretty sure that I didn't use a closed fist, just hit him with the butt of the slap, but it did the damage nonetheless. I drove him home and offered to let him jack me, but he wasn't up for it. Oh well.

On Saturday, Tom and Chris came from South Dakota to come visit me. Tom is my best friend from high school. Tom and I probably set a record for being in the Yankton Daily Record the most times, without our names ever being listed. Paintballed cars, that was us. Breaking into the baseball field, that was us too. We were trouble, but were good at it. My uncle was a cop, and Tom's dad was the guy that signed the police officer's paychecks. We were untouchable.

Anyway, we couldn't get tickets for them to go to the hockey game, so I didn't go either. Sounds like I missed out, because it was a hell of a game. And we swept Wisconnie. The Gophers are going for the trifecta of national championships. Go us. It was all right though, because we sat around the house and played a bunch of Super Dodgeball on the good ole' NES. That game just fucking rocks the casbah.

Anyway, after the game we sat around drinking for a while, with Lee, Tim, Marshall, and a bunch of others. Then we split up into three groups to go to three different parties. I think Tom, Chris, Marshall and I ended up at the best one, which was at Seth's house. Seth actually wasn't there, but about 200 of his closest friends were, which made for a good time. Marshall hit on a girl, and I made one leave by telling her dead baby jokes because she annoyed me. There were three kegs, which made for some good drinking, and the reason I can't remember any more details from the evening. We eventually made it to McDonalds, of course, after these assholes ate all the pizza I had waiting for me. Thanks boys.

Not much else happened over the weekend. We watched the Super Bowl here. I missed Janet's boob. It's all good though, because Vinatieri did it again. He's from a town about 15 minutes from Yankton. I interviewed him once, and he let me wear his Super Bowl ring. Those things are heavy as all fuck out. My hand would get tired if I wore it for a full day.

I also got a new graphics card, but it's a piece of shit that I have to return. Once I get one though, expect even fewer posts from me, because I'm addicted to a little game I'd like to call Warcraft 3. Oh, Wubbs and I may be getting piercings this weekend. He's doing his ears, I'm doing my eyebrow. Leave a comment if you think it's a horrible/excellent idea. That's all I got, Wubbs, will fill you in on what the hell he did all weekend.