Monday, February 16, 2004

No More Alcohol

This is the root of all evil.

So Saturday night I discovered a new alcohol. It's called 99 Bananas, and it tastes deceptively like a wussy chick drink. Don't let that fool you kids, because as my abdomen tried to thrust out of my throat at 3 am, I was pretty accepting of the fact that I was going to die on my bedroom floor. Luckily I made it through and woke up to a raging hangover and an epiphany: My life would probably be better if I cut out alcohol.

That realization made me think for a while. I understand it would be beneficial, but I'm just not sure I could cut out my weekendly mind-fuck. I couldn't handle being grounded in reality all the time. So I figured maybe I would have to hit the drug scene again.

I have no problem telling you that I'm no stranger to other mind-altering substances besides alcohol. I've smoked a fair bit of the ganja in my day. I've also done other things, of which I will not mention. Let's just say that one night I thought that I had a fucking half hour conversation with the damn Munchkins that I was watching in the Pink Floyd Wizard of Oz mix. That was cool, but later in the night I thought that my roommate was chasing me around the house with a butcher knife. I don't like drugs that take over my brain like that. The only positive time I've ever had with it is the night that I rode a bus and the large elderly woman behind me said all of my thoughts out loud. I fucking swear, every thought I had, she said it right for everyone to hear. That was surreal, and pretty fucking cool. Still, I don't think real hallucinogens are for me.

So if I cut alcohol out, I'd have to go back to pot. Now, don't get me wrong, I really have no problem with the marijuana. It gets you messed up and there's no hangover the next day. In fact, sometimes you wake up still high, which is pretty cool in and of itself. I personally think the stuff should be legalized, or alcohol made illegal. Pot is a way safer drug than alcohol is. No possible chance of overdose, no horrible puking. And when you are high, you don't want to go out and cause trouble like most people do when they are drunk. Well, maybe that's just Wubbs and me. No, you just want to sit and stare at shit at your house. I guess there's that off chance of psychosis, but no one gets that, right? That's an inside joke kids, just deal with it.

But then I remember how I got the last time I smoked a lot of weed. I think I'm lazy now, but the weed sucked the motivation out of me like a two dollar hooker. Because the hooker sucks too... eh, never mind. I also remember that I hate stoners, and I'd probably hang out with them again if I started smoking. No, don't get offended, most of you aren't my definition of stoners. Stoners are the guys who only talk about drugs. Their life revolves around it. They watch drug movies, they listen to drug music, they only have conversations about drugs, and they sure as hell do a lot of drugs. I hated those guys, they were just trying too damn hard.

So, maybe my epiphany was wrong all along. In fact, as I see it, I have no choice but to drink every weekend... it's really my destiny. And where would you readers be without me and Wubbs getting faced every weekend? We sure as hell wouldn't have as many funny stories to tell... or pictures like this to show you.

I wasn't even at this event, but I still think it's fucking hilarious. Juvenile for sure, but hilarious. Yes, those are testicles on the face of that passed out guy. That's Craig, I used to work with him. And that is an example of why alcohol must stay in my life.

No, the beer must flow like, well, beer for me. I just wouldn't be as cool/sexy/funny/social without it. Or at least that's what my buddies Jack Daniels and Capt. Morgan say.

Links of the Day

Well, for you guys that are still drug users, I applaud you. You get to have way more fun with these websites than I have with them any more. First, there is this mind-fuck. That site is made for like little kids, but I think it was made as a secret stoner haven. Have fun.

Then there is this little trip. I've posted it before, but I still stare at it often, so there you go.

And because I'm sticking with the alcohol, you should too. Here's some stuff that makes alcohol even more fun.

And this link doesn't fit in at all, but Wubs and I were fucking around with ask jeeves, and when you ask how to masturbate, this hilarious site came up. It's even more funny when you think it's real for a while.


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