Saturday, February 14, 2004

V-Day can suck my asshole



That is quite possibly the crudest title I've ever given a post, and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Maybe it's because I woke up at 8 this morning, even though I feel like I should sleep for another 12 hours, or the fact that my body seems enveloped in a womb of stale beer smell, but I just have a feeling that today is not going to be my favorite day of the year. I usually have that feeling about Valentine's Day though, whether I am single or taken.

I was initially planning an elaborate, long drawn out post about how I hate Valentine's Day, but then I realized that fucking everyone already beat me to it. So instead of writing the same old shit, I'll just link to theirs.

Something Awful may be my favorite of the day, with such deep insight as "it's not rape if you are on a date" and "she only loves you for your diamonds." I think they also invented a legitimate group in MATTOC (Men Against the Tyranny of Condoms). Unite men!

Gorilla Mask gives you ladies the insight of what a guy is thinking when he buys you a gift... which I gaurantee isn't much. My personal favorite is a pet, which apparently means, “Ummm… here’s something new to cuddle with while I’m trying to fucking sleep.”

And if you are alone tonight, may I suggest Boobdex? Only the highest of quality porn for these guys, and they have such witty titles to their files, such as, "Cute typical varicose vein showing redhead teen slut muffin" Ah yes, the slut muffin.

Just remember guys, it's not all bad being single. At any point that you feel lonely tonight, do as I do. First, go get wasted. That's pretty much always step one. Then, reach around to your ass, grab your wallet, and crack that baby open. See that? That's right, there's probably some money in there. That money is yours tonight, do with it as you will. That's power that those other guys don't have tonight, power to not be spending it on shit like flowers that wilt in four hours or she'll never wear anyway. Of course, they'll probably be getting laid tonight, but hell, that's what hand lotion and hookers are for. Fuck, I'm a horrible person. Oh well, on to...

The Links of the Day


To stick along the same lines, here are BitterSweets, Valentines Day candy for "the rest of us." Honestly, the first paragraph of this site is probably the most depressing thing I've ever read, but most of the candies are humorous.

I've posted this before, but it seems fitting today, so here you go. I recommend using at least four of those lines on girls that are on dates tonight. That should make for a good time.

Thank God I am single, because I know any girl I dated would want something like this. That's right, a 10 Billion Trillion Trillion-Carat Diamond in space. Thank you science, for once again making any gift I get a girl look like shit in comparison.

On a totally unrelated note, there's this. Eminem wants to buy Neverland Ranch from Michael Jackson. Holy shit, that's fucked up. Think about it kids, that's a white man that wants to be black buying a house from a black man that wants to be white. If this deal goes through, the universe may collapse in on itself.

And finally, this girl auctioned off her virginity. And someone paid a good price for it. I wonder what I would have gotten... probably not the eight grand she was offered.

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