Sunday, June 27, 2004

Ten Reasons I'd Be A Lesbian

You know, this site is just far too intellectual and mature. Time to dumb it down a bit. Today I’m going to explain to you kids why I would be a lesbian if I were a female. These are the things that I think about for hours and hours each day. Sad, I know, but very, very true.

Now I can already hear all of you females dismissing me immediately (on a side note, it’s a very scary fact that females actually read this site once in a while). You are all saying, “Oh, Shaun you are just saying that because you are a guy. Of course you can’t understand why we aren’t all lesbians.” Well, I can’t understand, but not just because I’m a guy. I put my penis aside for some time and thought of this in a totally asexual nature. And you women are all fucking wrong. Trust me, I know, I have a track record for turning females to the other side. More on that someday, maybe.

See! That's what I'm talking about!

So, my rationale for this bold statement? Thought you’d never ask. I present to you my top ten list of reasons for being a lesbian.

1. Men Are Hairy. I can’t see any foreseeable way that this is attractive to either sex. Not only do some of us have hairy chests, butts, and backs, but all guys get that facial hair. I can’t conceive of getting any enjoyment out of a face full of razor burn when a girl kisses a dude. No, silky smooth femaley goodness is obviously the way to go. Shaving is encouraged for all females, and quite frankly they have the right idea. All hairless all the time, that’s all I gots to say about that.

2. Men Stink. There is no denying this for either sex. We know we stink, ladies you know it too. Part of it goes back to number one, all that hair makes the body odor stick. Plus, we work out, and lift heavy shit, and don’t shower on as regular of a basis. As a female, I couldn’t see getting over that when I had an option of a nice clean, hair free female. The choice is clear in my mind.

3. Guys Are Pervs I can’t imagine dealing with the onslaught of horrible, horrible pick up lines and groping gestures that every decent looking female must get every time she steps into a bar, club, or probably even the fucking library. Us creepy guys are everywhere. And we rarely take no for an answer before a drink flies into our faces. Honestly ladies, you shouldn’t have to put up with that. I’ve never been involved, unfortunately, but I imagine a lesbian pick up is much nicer and more relaxed. I also imagine it involves lots of oils. Like I said, I daydream about this sort of thing a bit.

4. Guys are Always Aiming for the Pooper This would probably be the clincher for me, no pun intended. Ladies, it’s no secret that the elusive anal sex is on the minds of most guys, and most of us are always hinting at the chance to have the experience. As a female, much like as a male, no one is getting near my happy hole. That’s an exit place only. I feel like a lesbianic relationship could much easier avoid anyone trying to ram anything up there. Definitely a strong seller for girl on girl action in my mind.

5. Opportunities in Porn Didn’t quite finish that college degree? Didn’t quite get that high school diploma? Not a problem! Not for a lesbian, of course. There’s a wide variety of opportunities in the world of porn for you, for vast amounts of money that my poor little hetero male hands will never get to touch. You damn lucky lesbos.

6. Two Chicks = Hotness I don’t really need to say any more, do I? Instead, maybe I’ll just put another picture up. The pictures are really the whole reason I’m writing this in the first place…

7. Partner With Same Bits Knows What’s Up OK, I'd like to believe that I'm no slouch when it comes to the female pleasing. However, ya’ll got crazy amounts of stuff going on, and as someone who has access to it next to never, I really can’t keep up with someone who has 24/7 access to their own goods, which are the same. Jerry Seinfeld enlightened me to this fact, and he is so very correct it crosses the point from hilarity to truth. If I was a chick, I’d definitely want another seasoned veteran female pleasing me, not some amateur rookie dude. Lesbianism has it all over hetero here.

8. No Fear Of Pregnancy If I were a female, this would definitely be my number one fear at all times. I mean, I’d obviously be a total slut, so of course this has to be in the back of my mind. Problem solved with lesbianism. Hell, you don’t even need to worry about remembering that pill every day. How lucky is that.

One more there, you know, just for good measure

9. Get to Share Clothes and Shit Now, I don't really see this as a major benefit, but I've dated a few girls, and they were always sharing clothes with their friends. Apparently that's like a big deal to the females or something. I wouldn't know, I've worn the same jeans every day for the past two weeks, but I suppose it would be nice to have a partner who's clothes I could steal if I didn't want to do my once a month laundry.

10. You Can Be All Butch If You Want The only downside to being a lesbian to me is that I'd have to be a female. While I appreciate females, I think I would have a hard time being one. Being all interested in makeup and sappy movies and shit, that's just not for me. That's why there is the butch lesbian of course. It's like being a dude with boobs. And, quite frankly, that's all that I want out of life. Being a dude with boobs.

I love Google's Image Search

Well, there you go ladies. I'm sure that was convincing as all fuck out. Hopefully I didn't turn all of you over, because I'm still just a sad lonely man, er, lesbian in a man's body. Look me up girls.

Keep checking back, as I'll hopefully keep updating. Next post will be about how fucking awesome Phish was. Until then sweet readers, until then.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

My Politics Lessons of the Day

All right, so I'm getting harassed for not ever posting. Understandable I suppose, and I do appreciate that people actually read and care. I'll try to keep up a little more, and I know that Wubbs has at least one post planned in the near future. This is something I wrote a while back and just have never posted, but you kids can deal with that, I think.

So I did a lot of driving this weekend. About 12 hours of it, actually. I almost died on the way to South Dakota, saw a tornado touch down, and had my windshield wipers run into each other and explode. Regardless, that's not the real story. The story is that the whole time I was listening to AM radio.

Am I a loser for listening to talk radio? Probably. I do it when I'm on long drives, keeps me awake much better than music is capable of. And since I totally quit my nasty habit I definitely need something to pass the time. AM radio does that. As an expert on AM Radio, I'd like to give you my list of most hated political analysts. A top four, if you will, because that's all I want to write. By the way, this is the most intellectual post you will ever see on our website. I'm a poli sci major, I have to do this once in a while. Actually, I may later write a long speel about civil asset forfeiture, which will be way more intelligent than this. But I digress.

#4 Sean Hannity

Sean Hannity is a jackass, plain and simple. He is a party-line sheep, skewing what he believes to whatever the Corporation that is President Bush feels is best policy. Of course the war was about weapons of mass destruction, he says one day, followed quickly by, who cares that we never found any WMD's. The only reason he is my fourth hated political analyst is because he is actually not incredibly rude to his callers, and deals somewhat in the world of rationale and reasoning. Still, he's a prick, and I wouldn't give up a chance to punch him in his left testicle.

#3 Bill O'Reilly

I hate everything about Bill O'Reilly. I hate his fake fucking Irish name. I hate the way they say his name when his radio show starts (that deep wannabee intimidating voice). I hate every fucking time he says No Spin Zone. I hate that he honestly believes he's not a conservative. I hate his illogical views on drugs, especially marijuana. I hate that he refuses to acknowledge that any of his views could at any point be wrong. I hate the ego that swells his head to the size of a zeppelin. Basically I hate this man with the burning hate of a thousand suns. I would give up all of my limbs and possibly my insanely large penis just for the opportunity to bite his nose clean off like the Penguin in that Batman movie. It would be so worth it.

#2 Rush Limbaugh

Do you hear that Rush? No?!?! Oh yeah, that's because you are going deaf. You're handicapped, hahahahahahaha. Normally I would never make fun of someone for a crippling disease, but this man just has it coming. The karma of the world is just getting back at him, I figure. Anyway, Rush Limbaugh probably should be number one, but I have found somebody way worse. What can I say about El Rusho that hasn't been said already? He's fat, arrogant, ultra-conservative to the point of naziism, rude, and I bet he probably smells bad too. Any time I listen to this guy I think to myself that it has to be some sort of act he's playing, that no one can actually be that huge of an assclown. Unfortunately, even if it is a joke, millions of people have fallen for it and listen to him like a preacher of the truth. I fear for the future of America. But not even Rush can match up to the pain that is...

#1 Matt Drudge

This man's face by itself is funny enough, I don't even have to crack jokes.

I can not think of any conceivable way that anyone could possibly enjoy listening to this man. He doesn't form opinions, he simply whines and bitches about things that are "cool" to hate (Clinton, anything in California, the RIAA, etc). He has an incredibly grating voice that makes me want to punch myself in the face and knock myself out instead of hearing it. He broke one fucking story, the Lewinski thing, and he only sort of broke that, but he now acts as if he's God's gift to journalism, constantly pretending that he's telling us shit we won't hear anywhere else for weeks. Go fuck yourself Drudge. I love that he has this attitude, and then 90% of the "newsflashes" on his website are links to like Yahoo News or some other real source that I could have looked at in the first fucking place. He is a leech, a worm, and everything that is bad and false about "investigative journalism." He is a disgrace to the human race, and somehow he has sold his soul to be broadcast to millions of people. Congrats Drudge, you fuck, now we just all hate you.

And on that pleasant note, I'm outtie. Five days till the Phish concert, one of the very last five that they put on. I can't fucking wait. To keep you occupied till then, check these out I guess.

Links of the Day

This guy writes as Allah, that's awesome. Well written too.

This blows my mind, we're on our way to teleportation. Well, a long fucking way from the Star Trek sort of way, but still hella cool.

Man I love Strong Bad. This one is pretty good, if you've seen the past few.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Exploding Water Heaters

Yeah, I bet you've never seen that as a title before. That's because none of you have probably had to come home from a vacation to find your entire room soaked in a nice funky musky goo that came from your water heater. Such is the treat that I got to experience last night. It's so bad that I had to sleep upstairs in our slightly less smelly living room. I guess it's all right, we're getting brand new carpet, but it's still a huge pain in the ass.

So I spent the entire weekend and most of the week in Yankton. Good times, I suppose. I went to my first strip club. I have larger breasts than most of the girls that were on stage, but that one girl climbed her ass all the way up the poll and hung there for a long time so I suppose I give her credit for that. I got to make a comment about crabs eatining herpes at the club, which grossed most people out, which was really what I was going for. I also went to a bar with my mother (no, not the strip club) which was sort of weird, and then went with some friends to the Yankton bars. I realized that the bars I looked forward to all through high school are really really lame. Oh well, cheap beer at the very least.

I also hung out some with the only bum I've ever really personally known. That's right, I hung out with Megan. Haha, just kidding, actually, if you know her you'll know who I'm talking about, and that's all that needs to be said. Anyway, she's homeless by choice, which we had a long conversation about. It's weird to me, but she seems at least concientious about it, which is more than I would have expected. I may put up a full bum post at some later date.

Didn't do too much else in Yankton, it may be the first time I've come back in quite a while that I've gone there and not stayed in a nice chemical cloud for nearly the entire time. It's kind of refreshing to think clearly in that town for once. I may have to do it more often. Unfortunately, thinking clearly sometimes leads me to thinking too much, which is more than I'm willing to get into here.

On a totally different note, Phish is coming to Alpine Valley June 25th. Tickets are like $40. This is their last tour, they decided to break up after this series of concerts. You better bet your ass that I'm going to this one. I already had to miss one Phish concert because of a family emergency, it certainly won't happen again. I will be bouncing around the room, wading in the velvet sea, and boogying on with that reggae woman with the best of them. In light of the fact that it's their last tour, I may make the concert my last smoke fest, since I was thinking about giving it up completely soon anyway. The crowd I'm planning on going with will be sure to make that a hazy memorable experience if that's how I choose to go out of the smoking world. If any of you readers are interested in going, by all means let me know, we have to get our tickets together soon.

And speaking of douche bags, I decided to give Danny one more chance at writing for this fantastic website. In his last chance at joining our crew, Danny decided to fuck up the entire website template just before forgetting his password and losing his ability to post. Good fucking work Danny. Let's see if he can get it right this time. Oh, I'm just giving him shit, I'm sure he'll be hilarious. To celebrate him joining the Gizzle to the Mizzle, I decided to host a couple of Danny's songs from his former band, Away From Here. I didn't ask him permission to do that, but I'm sure he won't mind, he loves having his songs heard. And if he does mind, he can just take this down, since he's part of the team now. Anyway, clicky here and (right click, save target as). Bonus points to everyone who thinks he says "Tater tot, you're- on my back now," in one of those songs. Good stuff.

All right kids, look forward to more posts in the next couple of days. I promise I'll post something about bums and travelling kids here someday, it'll blow your mind. Peace in the middle east (I can't believe I just fucking said that).