Sunday, June 20, 2004

My Politics Lessons of the Day

All right, so I'm getting harassed for not ever posting. Understandable I suppose, and I do appreciate that people actually read and care. I'll try to keep up a little more, and I know that Wubbs has at least one post planned in the near future. This is something I wrote a while back and just have never posted, but you kids can deal with that, I think.

So I did a lot of driving this weekend. About 12 hours of it, actually. I almost died on the way to South Dakota, saw a tornado touch down, and had my windshield wipers run into each other and explode. Regardless, that's not the real story. The story is that the whole time I was listening to AM radio.

Am I a loser for listening to talk radio? Probably. I do it when I'm on long drives, keeps me awake much better than music is capable of. And since I totally quit my nasty habit I definitely need something to pass the time. AM radio does that. As an expert on AM Radio, I'd like to give you my list of most hated political analysts. A top four, if you will, because that's all I want to write. By the way, this is the most intellectual post you will ever see on our website. I'm a poli sci major, I have to do this once in a while. Actually, I may later write a long speel about civil asset forfeiture, which will be way more intelligent than this. But I digress.

#4 Sean Hannity

Sean Hannity is a jackass, plain and simple. He is a party-line sheep, skewing what he believes to whatever the Corporation that is President Bush feels is best policy. Of course the war was about weapons of mass destruction, he says one day, followed quickly by, who cares that we never found any WMD's. The only reason he is my fourth hated political analyst is because he is actually not incredibly rude to his callers, and deals somewhat in the world of rationale and reasoning. Still, he's a prick, and I wouldn't give up a chance to punch him in his left testicle.

#3 Bill O'Reilly

I hate everything about Bill O'Reilly. I hate his fake fucking Irish name. I hate the way they say his name when his radio show starts (that deep wannabee intimidating voice). I hate every fucking time he says No Spin Zone. I hate that he honestly believes he's not a conservative. I hate his illogical views on drugs, especially marijuana. I hate that he refuses to acknowledge that any of his views could at any point be wrong. I hate the ego that swells his head to the size of a zeppelin. Basically I hate this man with the burning hate of a thousand suns. I would give up all of my limbs and possibly my insanely large penis just for the opportunity to bite his nose clean off like the Penguin in that Batman movie. It would be so worth it.

#2 Rush Limbaugh

Do you hear that Rush? No?!?! Oh yeah, that's because you are going deaf. You're handicapped, hahahahahahaha. Normally I would never make fun of someone for a crippling disease, but this man just has it coming. The karma of the world is just getting back at him, I figure. Anyway, Rush Limbaugh probably should be number one, but I have found somebody way worse. What can I say about El Rusho that hasn't been said already? He's fat, arrogant, ultra-conservative to the point of naziism, rude, and I bet he probably smells bad too. Any time I listen to this guy I think to myself that it has to be some sort of act he's playing, that no one can actually be that huge of an assclown. Unfortunately, even if it is a joke, millions of people have fallen for it and listen to him like a preacher of the truth. I fear for the future of America. But not even Rush can match up to the pain that is...

#1 Matt Drudge

This man's face by itself is funny enough, I don't even have to crack jokes.

I can not think of any conceivable way that anyone could possibly enjoy listening to this man. He doesn't form opinions, he simply whines and bitches about things that are "cool" to hate (Clinton, anything in California, the RIAA, etc). He has an incredibly grating voice that makes me want to punch myself in the face and knock myself out instead of hearing it. He broke one fucking story, the Lewinski thing, and he only sort of broke that, but he now acts as if he's God's gift to journalism, constantly pretending that he's telling us shit we won't hear anywhere else for weeks. Go fuck yourself Drudge. I love that he has this attitude, and then 90% of the "newsflashes" on his website are links to like Yahoo News or some other real source that I could have looked at in the first fucking place. He is a leech, a worm, and everything that is bad and false about "investigative journalism." He is a disgrace to the human race, and somehow he has sold his soul to be broadcast to millions of people. Congrats Drudge, you fuck, now we just all hate you.

And on that pleasant note, I'm outtie. Five days till the Phish concert, one of the very last five that they put on. I can't fucking wait. To keep you occupied till then, check these out I guess.

Links of the Day

This guy writes as Allah, that's awesome. Well written too.

This blows my mind, we're on our way to teleportation. Well, a long fucking way from the Star Trek sort of way, but still hella cool.

Man I love Strong Bad. This one is pretty good, if you've seen the past few.


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