Sunday, June 27, 2004

Ten Reasons I'd Be A Lesbian

You know, this site is just far too intellectual and mature. Time to dumb it down a bit. Today I’m going to explain to you kids why I would be a lesbian if I were a female. These are the things that I think about for hours and hours each day. Sad, I know, but very, very true.

Now I can already hear all of you females dismissing me immediately (on a side note, it’s a very scary fact that females actually read this site once in a while). You are all saying, “Oh, Shaun you are just saying that because you are a guy. Of course you can’t understand why we aren’t all lesbians.” Well, I can’t understand, but not just because I’m a guy. I put my penis aside for some time and thought of this in a totally asexual nature. And you women are all fucking wrong. Trust me, I know, I have a track record for turning females to the other side. More on that someday, maybe.

See! That's what I'm talking about!

So, my rationale for this bold statement? Thought you’d never ask. I present to you my top ten list of reasons for being a lesbian.

1. Men Are Hairy. I can’t see any foreseeable way that this is attractive to either sex. Not only do some of us have hairy chests, butts, and backs, but all guys get that facial hair. I can’t conceive of getting any enjoyment out of a face full of razor burn when a girl kisses a dude. No, silky smooth femaley goodness is obviously the way to go. Shaving is encouraged for all females, and quite frankly they have the right idea. All hairless all the time, that’s all I gots to say about that.

2. Men Stink. There is no denying this for either sex. We know we stink, ladies you know it too. Part of it goes back to number one, all that hair makes the body odor stick. Plus, we work out, and lift heavy shit, and don’t shower on as regular of a basis. As a female, I couldn’t see getting over that when I had an option of a nice clean, hair free female. The choice is clear in my mind.

3. Guys Are Pervs I can’t imagine dealing with the onslaught of horrible, horrible pick up lines and groping gestures that every decent looking female must get every time she steps into a bar, club, or probably even the fucking library. Us creepy guys are everywhere. And we rarely take no for an answer before a drink flies into our faces. Honestly ladies, you shouldn’t have to put up with that. I’ve never been involved, unfortunately, but I imagine a lesbian pick up is much nicer and more relaxed. I also imagine it involves lots of oils. Like I said, I daydream about this sort of thing a bit.

4. Guys are Always Aiming for the Pooper This would probably be the clincher for me, no pun intended. Ladies, it’s no secret that the elusive anal sex is on the minds of most guys, and most of us are always hinting at the chance to have the experience. As a female, much like as a male, no one is getting near my happy hole. That’s an exit place only. I feel like a lesbianic relationship could much easier avoid anyone trying to ram anything up there. Definitely a strong seller for girl on girl action in my mind.

5. Opportunities in Porn Didn’t quite finish that college degree? Didn’t quite get that high school diploma? Not a problem! Not for a lesbian, of course. There’s a wide variety of opportunities in the world of porn for you, for vast amounts of money that my poor little hetero male hands will never get to touch. You damn lucky lesbos.

6. Two Chicks = Hotness I don’t really need to say any more, do I? Instead, maybe I’ll just put another picture up. The pictures are really the whole reason I’m writing this in the first place…

7. Partner With Same Bits Knows What’s Up OK, I'd like to believe that I'm no slouch when it comes to the female pleasing. However, ya’ll got crazy amounts of stuff going on, and as someone who has access to it next to never, I really can’t keep up with someone who has 24/7 access to their own goods, which are the same. Jerry Seinfeld enlightened me to this fact, and he is so very correct it crosses the point from hilarity to truth. If I was a chick, I’d definitely want another seasoned veteran female pleasing me, not some amateur rookie dude. Lesbianism has it all over hetero here.

8. No Fear Of Pregnancy If I were a female, this would definitely be my number one fear at all times. I mean, I’d obviously be a total slut, so of course this has to be in the back of my mind. Problem solved with lesbianism. Hell, you don’t even need to worry about remembering that pill every day. How lucky is that.

One more there, you know, just for good measure

9. Get to Share Clothes and Shit Now, I don't really see this as a major benefit, but I've dated a few girls, and they were always sharing clothes with their friends. Apparently that's like a big deal to the females or something. I wouldn't know, I've worn the same jeans every day for the past two weeks, but I suppose it would be nice to have a partner who's clothes I could steal if I didn't want to do my once a month laundry.

10. You Can Be All Butch If You Want The only downside to being a lesbian to me is that I'd have to be a female. While I appreciate females, I think I would have a hard time being one. Being all interested in makeup and sappy movies and shit, that's just not for me. That's why there is the butch lesbian of course. It's like being a dude with boobs. And, quite frankly, that's all that I want out of life. Being a dude with boobs.

I love Google's Image Search

Well, there you go ladies. I'm sure that was convincing as all fuck out. Hopefully I didn't turn all of you over, because I'm still just a sad lonely man, er, lesbian in a man's body. Look me up girls.

Keep checking back, as I'll hopefully keep updating. Next post will be about how fucking awesome Phish was. Until then sweet readers, until then.


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