Thursday, March 31, 2005

RIP Hedberg

A definite comedic genius

With the angel of death apparently taking just everyone and their dog this week, I'd just like to give a special memorial to someone who hopefully won't get lost in the shuffle. Mitch Hedberg died today, at the age of 37. He passed from a heart attack.

If you don't know who Mitch is, for goodness sake go out and buy his cd, or if you're desperately poor, download something, I tink he would appreciate that small little dose of anarchistic behavior at this point. He was a Twin Cities native, a drug conneusieur, and a hilarious comic. His material was like no one else's, one of the quirkiest views on life and the world that we've ever seen.

On that sad note, sorry we haven't been updating lately. I took an extended break in South Dakota, and have been also playing a fair amount of poker (and making a fair amount of cash). Look for more updates fairly soon.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

We're Back Bitches!

Well, we made it down to South Padre and back, and surprisingly no one died or was arrested. It went as all long trips do; a few arguments, a lot of alcohol, a few ladies, and a whole lot of fun all around. Here's some random quotes from the trip. Quite frankly, I can't piece together the whole trip, and neither can anyone else who was there, so this may be the best you get.

"I beached her... right in the blowhole."

"Get in the oven Danny!"

"Winning the Big 12 is like winning the Special Olympics" (immediatelly following this was a drink poured down my shirt... that bitch)

"Scotch, scotch, scotch... Scott Scott Scott"

"The lotion puts itself on..."

"Girls gone dudes... Dudes Gone Retarded"

Danny: "Where'd I park my car?" Shaun: "Dude, you didn't drive, who out of us is good to drive?" Scott: "I'm good!" (promptly stumbles around for the next five minutes).

"I can't wait to download your Girls Gone Wild tape when I get home."

"I don't want, your life."

"You know why no news broadcaster is from YOUR hometown? Because no one wants to hear that retarded accent. Eeeen otheeer neeeeeeeews."

Sounds pretty random right? Well, the whole damn trip was random, but a whole lot of fun. We established that most kids from Texas and/or Oklahoma are pretty much totally retarded, that Girls Gone Wild tapings are exactly like the movies (30 minutes of boring shit, followed by 2 minutes of boobs), and that four guys can consume well over 20 liters of alcohol in a week. Hopefully, a few pictures will be on the way soon. Later all.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Caption This... If You Dare

Damn, that's hot. On a side note, the Goldy's Mom crew is heading off to sweet sunny South Padre Island on Saturday, which means we won't be making any posts, most likely. Enjoy your time off, knowing all you have to stare at is this beauty.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Happy B-Day Wubbenut

Danny, Shaun, and Wubbs Prepare For A Night on the Town For the Birthday Boy

Just a quick note to wish Scubbanuts a great 22nd. We will be taking him out for various drinks this evening, probably at Blarney's, if you are so inclined to join us. Definitely stop on out, buy him and shot or eight, and get him all slutty drunk so I can take advantage of his anus when we get home. Later all.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

My First Post (I finally learned to write and stopped pretending that I actually have sex)

So I was supposed to start posting on this site after I returned from my brief stint in 'Nam (see 4/19/04) and I even had an amazing idea for my first post, but some complications arose. The idea for the post was "The ten most humpable inanimate objects." Yeah, I know it's genious, and I even started writing it. After typing numbers 10 through 8 and giggling to myself like when I watch my best friends get kicked in the balls, I thought to myself, if I was looking for something cool to hump, my first reaction would be to jump on the internet and search. Then I thought, wow, if I stumbled upon this seemingly scientific and absolutely amazingly written piece I would most certainly hope that it was well researched, and I realized what I had to do. RESEARCH. And that, my friends, is why I have yet to make a post (that, and chronic masturbation issues, alcoholism, extreme laziness, not knowing how to write, not owning a computer, and those months that I spent stalking my hero Carrot Top, but I digress). Needless to say I went on a crusade of humping, anything from food to furniture, anything resembling a post or railing and so on and so forth. But I can definitively say that through all the blood, sweat and tears (One lucky lady was a cheese grater I called Theresa) all the sweet talking, relationship building, long nights of drinking, and eventual humping, these are the 10 Most Humpable inanimate objects:

Editor's Note: I have a weiner and these are things that I humped with said weiner so if you're a girl and you want to let me know how humping a watermelon is, and send me the video, great, but you'll all have to wait til' I raise enough money for my sex change and return for the top 10: part two(Vagina Time!!!).

10. Puppets/Dolls/Stuffed Animals
This one mostly speaks for itself, because we all remember that day in seventh grade that you were playing with (insert name here) the (insert Puppet/ Doll/ Stuffed animal), mine was Sparkles the Dog, when you first looked deep into each others eyes, and felt that tingling feeling in your head/heart and/or crocth and you began to sniff each other's asses and and just start rubbing. Call me sentimental, but I couldn't leave off the object that I lost my vriginity to and have been dating for nearly nine years.

9. Watermelon
Now this one I had to narrow down because the amount of food that I have humped throughout my research could have fed at least 90% of the scrawny kids that you see in those christian sponsor-a-child commercials, and it wouldn't do them justice to just say food. Ha ha, I'm glad I'm not poor.

8. Porn Magazine Pictures
The closest thing to a real girl that I'll ever get, because every time I have tried to talk to a real girl at a bar I have simultaneously wet and crapped myself. And it makes my penis look more jermongous than it already is.

7. Plate Glass Windows in Public Places
Because damn, public nudity and me getting arrested are both hilarious.

6. Piles of Snow or Dirt
Convenience factor. Because every time that you can't pay your bookie and he beats you with his baseball bat (which ironically finished number 36 on the list due to it's smoothness and post like shape) and he drives for 17 hours with you in the trunk to dump you in a field somewhere, you know you'll be damn horny after that, and as far as I know every field has dirt or snow or sand.

5. Jar of Peanut Butter or Jelly
This one is all about when you finish up. Can anyone say peanut butter jelly and semen sandwich?

4. Roadkill
The Forrest Gump of humpable objects. You never know what you're gonna get.

3. Pencil Sharpener
Because if you can fit your dong in a pencil sharpener, do yourself the favor and sharpen it to a point so you can poke short people, preferably children, in the eye.

2. VCR's
Because you save yourself the damn money of renting the video and it gives the eject button a whole new meaning.

and bapidabababababa......


Paris Hilton(yes she is a person or dirty whore, you choose, and she is supposedly "animate" but i couldn't really decide between her and my pet rock and she is funnier)
'nuf said.

These are the 10 most humapable inanimate objects and if you don't agree with me you can go fuck your inanimate object ....... oh and eat shit

By the way I'm Danny and I might post sometimes

Peace Out Bitches

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Guest Post Bitches!

Today is a very special day. We have a guest poster. A very talented one at that. This is from Leah, one of the coolest girls I've met ever. Long before I knew who she was, she was an avid reader of the site. She loves us... and we crushed her with our long abscenses. Here's what she has to say on the matter.

Goldy And Me

By Leah

My story starts much like the beginning of a good porn, a young girl whose ambitions and dreams bring new, exciting, and erotic experiences. I started reading Goldy’s Mom when I was a sweet, impressionable freshman at Aquinas College. The shy, sheltered type, I didn’t know what I was in for with Goldy’s mom, much less my college career.

Was I nervous at first? Of course. I had only heard about Goldy’s mom, you know, from my friends…and slutty people. I didn’t know if it really was for me. But as time dragged on, I felt myself being pulled into it. I was far away from home, confused and alone. I guess I saw Goldy’s mom as a way out.

I started slow, browsing it occasionally for pictures of people I knew, maybe an occasional dirty link to click. But soon I was reading it all the time, giggling to myself while my roommate slept peacefully. I became addicted and began sending it to people who didn’t even know who Goldy was, people who didn’t care…I checked it everyday hoping for a quick fix.

Then the bomb dropped. Goldy’s mom left me. When the boys stopped posting regularly, I was crushed. I turned to drinking, making out with random college boys, and showing my boobs for beer. All the things I had learned so much about with Goldy’s mom. Yet somehow it didn’t fill the void. I had fallen so far.

I tried starting my own blog, but it just felt empty. I read other’s blogs but they just made me feel slutty. Not the good slutty I had felt with Goldy’s mom, an evil slutty like sleeping with both of your first cousins at your family reunion, and liking it. It was a dark time.

Eventually I pulled through. I refocused and got a fake id, to support my alcoholism. I even finished school in the blur of blurriness. (I’d tell you what it was but I don’t even remember at this point.) I moved on somehow.

Eventually Goldy’s mom returned, but it was never the same. Sure I still visit. I laugh, and pretend to know all the faces in the pictures. I just hope that someday we can have what I pretended we did for so long. And maybe, just maybe, I could be in one of those pictures, using all the important life lessons Goldy’s mom taught me, making out drunk with someone near a stripper pope. It’s all a girl could ask for I guess.

Just for you Leah, just for you. Here's your pic. And a giant one at that, cuz I'm too lazy to reduce.

See, Leah is the best reader ever. Why can't the rest of you be sending in your own articles? Sure would make my job a hell of a lot easier. Anyway, I'm still sick, I'm off to do way more important things... like sit around on the computer some more. Later all.