Thursday, March 03, 2005

My First Post (I finally learned to write and stopped pretending that I actually have sex)

So I was supposed to start posting on this site after I returned from my brief stint in 'Nam (see 4/19/04) and I even had an amazing idea for my first post, but some complications arose. The idea for the post was "The ten most humpable inanimate objects." Yeah, I know it's genious, and I even started writing it. After typing numbers 10 through 8 and giggling to myself like when I watch my best friends get kicked in the balls, I thought to myself, if I was looking for something cool to hump, my first reaction would be to jump on the internet and search. Then I thought, wow, if I stumbled upon this seemingly scientific and absolutely amazingly written piece I would most certainly hope that it was well researched, and I realized what I had to do. RESEARCH. And that, my friends, is why I have yet to make a post (that, and chronic masturbation issues, alcoholism, extreme laziness, not knowing how to write, not owning a computer, and those months that I spent stalking my hero Carrot Top, but I digress). Needless to say I went on a crusade of humping, anything from food to furniture, anything resembling a post or railing and so on and so forth. But I can definitively say that through all the blood, sweat and tears (One lucky lady was a cheese grater I called Theresa) all the sweet talking, relationship building, long nights of drinking, and eventual humping, these are the 10 Most Humpable inanimate objects:

Editor's Note: I have a weiner and these are things that I humped with said weiner so if you're a girl and you want to let me know how humping a watermelon is, and send me the video, great, but you'll all have to wait til' I raise enough money for my sex change and return for the top 10: part two(Vagina Time!!!).

10. Puppets/Dolls/Stuffed Animals
This one mostly speaks for itself, because we all remember that day in seventh grade that you were playing with (insert name here) the (insert Puppet/ Doll/ Stuffed animal), mine was Sparkles the Dog, when you first looked deep into each others eyes, and felt that tingling feeling in your head/heart and/or crocth and you began to sniff each other's asses and and just start rubbing. Call me sentimental, but I couldn't leave off the object that I lost my vriginity to and have been dating for nearly nine years.

9. Watermelon
Now this one I had to narrow down because the amount of food that I have humped throughout my research could have fed at least 90% of the scrawny kids that you see in those christian sponsor-a-child commercials, and it wouldn't do them justice to just say food. Ha ha, I'm glad I'm not poor.

8. Porn Magazine Pictures
The closest thing to a real girl that I'll ever get, because every time I have tried to talk to a real girl at a bar I have simultaneously wet and crapped myself. And it makes my penis look more jermongous than it already is.

7. Plate Glass Windows in Public Places
Because damn, public nudity and me getting arrested are both hilarious.

6. Piles of Snow or Dirt
Convenience factor. Because every time that you can't pay your bookie and he beats you with his baseball bat (which ironically finished number 36 on the list due to it's smoothness and post like shape) and he drives for 17 hours with you in the trunk to dump you in a field somewhere, you know you'll be damn horny after that, and as far as I know every field has dirt or snow or sand.

5. Jar of Peanut Butter or Jelly
This one is all about when you finish up. Can anyone say peanut butter jelly and semen sandwich?

4. Roadkill
The Forrest Gump of humpable objects. You never know what you're gonna get.

3. Pencil Sharpener
Because if you can fit your dong in a pencil sharpener, do yourself the favor and sharpen it to a point so you can poke short people, preferably children, in the eye.

2. VCR's
Because you save yourself the damn money of renting the video and it gives the eject button a whole new meaning.

and bapidabababababa......


Paris Hilton(yes she is a person or dirty whore, you choose, and she is supposedly "animate" but i couldn't really decide between her and my pet rock and she is funnier)
'nuf said.

These are the 10 most humapable inanimate objects and if you don't agree with me you can go fuck your inanimate object ....... oh and eat shit

By the way I'm Danny and I might post sometimes

Peace Out Bitches


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