Thursday, April 14, 2005

608 13th Ave. --- behind the shitty music- Part I: The Wonder-ful Years(and by years i mean like 4 days)

Well, I'm back for another post and it's been awhile again. Now don't fret, this is part one of at least one and a half so plan to leave you all hanging on the edge of your seats... that you sit and mastubate in to porn that you downloaded from the internet. Seeing as there has been a growing group of white rappers gracing the television channels of MTV, MTV2, BET and the lesser known public access channel in Minneapolis, myself, Wubbs, and Shaun Blum have launched rap careers under the aliases of Lord of the Pants, VaginaPunch and Mr. Flycoolfacemcgee III. Due to our massively growing fame we have spent much of our time making public appearances, (bars within two blocks of our house, 2-keg parties on a Thursday, drunk in our living room) and therefore have not found the time to write posts because we are too busy spitting rhymes and gathering posses of mo' fo's so we can just chill and smoke the herb and smack the bitches(and dammit no one can ever tell me they've known a smack until they've smacked a bitch).

Now I used to find it tedious to listen to the special news bulletins from MTV news only to find out it was about another rapper getting shot or having a chair thrown at him on some shitty awards show where talentless bastards get shiny trophies for doing basically nothing(also see Special Olympics). Then one day I realized something-- America likes shitty shitty things. And for fuck's sake I can definitely come up with something that is shitty to the 2nd power.

So, myself, Wubbs, and Blum put our shitty shitty uncreative minds together and began coming up with band names. After nearly two seconds of brainstorming we decided to name our band after our address to stay true to our humble roots. After another minute and a half of creative tinkering on my keyboard, we came up with a mad beat(mostly by hitting the demo button that creates that song that sounds like a combination of 1,000 different fart noises interlaced with sounds of the barnyard-- damn straight we're fucking progressive). We decided to come up with a 21 and 1/4 minute long song entitled "we don't really smack bitches, roll on dubbs, sip on hennessy, get all iced out, go big or small pimping for that matter, smoke on any drugs, bust caps in homies or whitey or do anything that any rapper or rap group "claims" to have done but because we put all of this gayness in the title all you gaywad hiphop fans will buy our cd, p.s. we do smoke on drugs occasionally for the purpose of fun and not because we want to get tipsy in the club or because we want to get retarded in herrrrrrrre." We pushed the album through production, got signed to a record label, made it to number one on TRL went platinum eight times in less than one minute and already received the grammy for album of the year, song of the year, best male and female vocals-- cuz Shaun can sing really really high, and country and western album of the year for the next 15 years worth of grammy's thus cancelling the shitty show and making us the greatest band in the history of shitty music. It was good times.

Next up part II: the not so wonder ful but still kinda sweet anyways years


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